forgiveness

I'm a forgiving person,
I will eventually forgive

For once you'll have to earn it

My friend says the Bible says to forgive
because Jesus forgave;
I do not care what the Bible says,

I can't keep giving away forgiveness
like it's candy
And today is Halloween
Just to anybody

I am always willing to forgive

But I hate when
People turn around
And seem to throw it in my face
But doesn't everybody do that?
I would hope so,
The problem, though, is that
Sometimes, when you forgive

People throw it in your face
Like cups of boiling water

And I find myself crumbling
My spirits sinking
And I end up hurt
Foolish enough to think that
Everybody deserves
An unconditional chance

But sometimes,

In some cases,
Forgiving the same person

For similar things

And they keep breaking my trust

Is an impossibility if I am to stay sane

My friend points out
Wouldn't I like the same?

To be forgiven
And loved unconditionally?

In this case, no

Even though, for most people
I am willing to forgive
And forgive
And forgive

I will do it a hundred million times over

Until it reaches the point
Where they no longer make an effort
To apologize or to show me
That my forgiveness
Means something
I can't...
handle that
And maybe that makes me completely selfish.
Even then, my friend says,

If you did something stupid,
wouldn't you want to be forgiven?

and loved still?

Yes, I say,
But usually I make an effort
To apologize

if i screw up massively
And want to be forgiven
Then I own up to it

I never just expect people to forgive me

And when people DO forgive me,
I still make an effort
To show them that I AM sorry
and that I do deserve to be forgiven.

Time will only tell
If I can forgive this time

I'll try to be patient,
But I'm not one for waiting

I want decisive answers
And I want honesty,
Even if it's not what I want to hear.

I may be as stubborn as a mule
But I know what I want
And what is right
What should and is supposed to happen.
And so, I wait.
I'll forgive you, one day,
Though it may not be that soon.

******

The text of this poem was taken from a conversation between me and a good friend; I turned it into a poem to protect their identity.

And if you know what this is about, kudos for that & thanks.

Anyway, later!
-Aly

Novel Number Two

Hello, everybody!

It's DECEMBER again, which means that I haven't blogged in a few months!

Ha, not really (though it's true). December means that National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) is over. Another novel, DONE. [Last year's blogpost about NaNo]

Well "done", as in it has 50,000 words. But this one... it's not FINISHED. I want it to be, and I won't neglect it this time. So, I've written two novels. Even though neither of them are finished, and I dislike the first one quite a bit, I feel accomplished. This year, I wrote a story that's been bouncing around in my head for a while, rather than a story I forced myself to write. It's a different feeling, and the journey to 50k was much more pleasant this time around. Despite everything else going on this month (COLLEGE APPLICATIONS, yikes!), I managed to complete the challenge once again, and I'm proud of that.

I'm not as surprised at finishing this year, having already done it. Not to say that the feeling is less than it was, but I suppose nothing is quite the same each time you do it. Like running a race for the first time... the emotions at the end are much more overwhelming than every subsequent time. It's not a bad transition, but it's an interesting contrast. I wrote a novel this month, sure, but it's only halfway complete. The story I want to tell is still lurking around the edges, building slowly. Too slowly sometimes. Hitting 50k wasn't surprising, it was expected. It was something I realized I could do, and something I needed to do for myself.

So... this year in comparison to last year.
1. This year, I was a LOT more active on the forums! I connected with people on the Elsewhere forums and those of my Home Region.
2. I attended (most) write-ins. I even helped set up a few, and dragged people into them with me, rather than people dragging ME into them! :D
3. I joined a Skype group of Nerdfighters (from the Nerdfighting & NaNoWriMo group on the Ning). These strangers, that live all over the world, word-warred with me all the time, and were a great support group. I feel like some of them are becoming really good friends of mine. A small group of us are going to collaborate on the Project for Awesome. I also met another nerdfighter in real life, and got to know a few of my own friends better.
4. The novel I wrote was fantasy, rather than realistic fiction. Last year, I tried out a completely new genre and kind of story, but this year, I stuck with the kind of story that I love to write.
5. I knew what my weaknesses were and tried to work on them. I'm TERRIBLE at dialogue, so this year, I tried to focus on making the dialogue stronger than last year.
6. My characters are largely unnamed. Last year, I found names easily, but this year... the characters exist independently of names, until I have the time to dedicate to finding the perfect names.
7. I did not have to write 5,000 words on the last day! I knew how to pace myself better, and even though I fell behind (I didn't write for five days), I was able to recover from that much quicker. I knew how to get my word count up and how to keep it moving.
8. My characters were better-developed this year. They have flaws, voices, and complicated histories. They aren't just right yet, but they're a lot closer than the characters from last year. They're more intriguing, and more independent than my characters from last year.
9. I loved my story. It was fun to write, and I honestly ENJOYED it. It wasn't an emotional test for me, because I was inventing something, rather than drawing entirely from my own emotions. The story was one that... moved, rather than staying stationary. (That probably doesn't make sense unless you're a writer.)
10. (Because this has to be an even number!) There are scenes in my novel this year that I LOVE. Words that I am proud of. The story I've written (so far) is one that I want to continue. I want to edit it and make it better, but more than anything, I truly want to finish it this time.

I've been collecting writing links and advice for the past month (unintentionally!), so I may write up a blog post sharing those soon. I may also share an excerpt from my novel, because I'm excited about it!

Once again, for the people that have helped me along this ride-- on the internet or in real life (text message or anything), THANK YOU SO MUCH! I honestly couldn't have done it without you.

<3,
-Aly

Failed Crepes

HELLO!

I don't know what it is about cooking French cuisine that always has me stumped. It's crepes more than anything, but the inability to make crepes seems to only occur in the States. I am determined though, and one of these days I'll be successful. >.<

Today was less mind-numbing as yesterday, though once again I have too much to do. I'm working on various tasks at once, if that counts for anything. I'm surrounded by a field of paper, if textbooks, notebooks, binders, books, and my French pencil case all count as paper, the field being the dining room table or my bedroom floor. (Two very different places, however both seem to be disaster zones of Important Things.)

Tomorrow we're supposed to find out about that one scholarship. And then there's a cross-country race that afternoon, at a course that I'm not overly fond of. I'll survive, though I make no promises about my mental health after that point.

There are some topics I have yet to blog about that I want to tackle, but they don't really fit into the details of my life. I don't have time right now to sit down and organize my thoughts on the matter. Some of those are France-related, and others aren't.

I've got to go now; the field of paper is pushing back into my mind.

OH!
The person I appreciate the most today is Caroline. She's one of my freshman buddies, and is completely awesome. She had this great quote today as we were running after the French Club meeting (she and Molly are joining all the language clubs, and since today was a French Club meeting that lasted quite a while and involved food, we were quite stuffed when we got to practice 30 minutes late...), she said "I'm feelin' the craps! ... Crepes!". I died laughing :)

A demain!
-Aly

Still Not Food-Named

Hello!

I hope you survived that beast of a post yesterday. It took me three or so months to write it, so I sure hope you managed to make it through. It wasn't very heavy on writing, though, so hopefully it was faster for you to look through it than for me to write it and add in all those pictures!

I will be back tomorrow with your regularly-scheduled food-titled blogs.

For today, I'll share a list with you. (Lists seem to be my default post.)

THINGS I MISS ABOUT FRANCE
1. My friends. Gah, so much love, so much awesome. Vous me manquez toujours, mes amis français. La bande surtout! <3
2. The food. Especially the pastries. I've also been craving some crepes for a few weeks now, ever since I got my crepe spatula. I haven't yet gotten a chance to use it, but I want crepes. And brioche.
3. The language. This one is obvious. I miss hearing French every day, surrounding me in this bubble of confusingly different accents and those few words that I don't fully understand. I miss walking down the street and only catching snatches of conversation that mix and entwine that I can't fully understand the meaning of.
4. Bordeaux. My favorite city. Hanging out with Jeveta and Any, having adventures and getting lost in the countryside. Eating McDonalds far too often, and laughing uproariously at the opera music in that one McDo. The cows and the Garonne and the blackened buildings from the pollution of the city.
5. The Mediterranean. The clear, azure blue water and the striking shoreline that changes so quickly. The lack of animals, the water the just-right temperature, and that cloudless sky.
6. La glace. Oh man. Frambroise, menthe chocolat... Comme je veux.
7. L'ecole?! I miss my English teacher, mostly. She was awesome. And all my random classes, where I would sit quietly or joke with my friends, soaking up the things I already knew in a different language. That moment of finally understanding something, or learning a new word. Scribbling notes in my fake agenda and singing songs with Jean-Paul under my breath. Lunchtime, sitting in the sun and hearing the sound of the sea echoing up into the sky.
8. The part of my soul that will always be in France. It is my home, and my dream; my biggest accomplishment. France is part of me, and has defined me for so long. It is greater than just a place for me, and I wish that I could go back every couple of weeks just to be there again, to become Aly en France for another period of time; rather than just Aly en France aux Etats-Unis. I will always be "en France", if only in my heart and thoughts.

There :)
Not to say that I don't love home, and love being here with all my friends. But sometimes, I just want to be back there for a moment, with the people I came to love in half a year; the ones that sometimes forgot that I spoke English at all. xD

A demain!
<3
-Aly

Cookies & Cream

Bonjour!

Sometimes, all I need is a day where I'm not stressed out over something-or-other (probably insignificant), where I am too busy to stop and think, too happy to worry about what this week or this season or this year holds for me. Today was one of those days, and I am exhausted now, but in a great mood (despite the fact that I realize that I have homework to finish that I forgot about in the rush of everything else). It doesn't bother me that I didn't accomplish much today, because it my eyes, not accomplishing much other than selfish pleasure and FUN is acceptable. It IS the weekend, after all.

I woke up relatively early today, though I refused to get out of bed, choosing instead to lie there with the blinds open a bit to enjoy the light and the cool temperature of my room, where it is perpetually too much of an extreme. After grocery shopping, I ate lunch with my family-- not that we're really that great at "family time" anyway, since we tend to disperse to seperate rooms, often with lights off, each glued to our respective computers, pretending for that moment that interaction with our family is not needed. I didn't mind today, but sat at the bare table alone, reading Paper Towns and thinking about wanderlust again.

Shortly after, I left once again to head to Molly's, where we made a great card for Tori's birthday (which was yesterday) and wrapped (me: complicated weaving covering the Christmas wrapping paper, Molly: scraps of wrapping paper that didn't cover the box of Animal Crackers) part ONE of her gifts, and then delivered them. A quick jaunt to Colin's, then a stop at Juice Shop (out of the way, but delicious) to get Grant a smoothie, then to Grant's. Of course we got distracted by filling random things in to Grant's calendar, before deciding to stop by our freshman (of the year, we generally choose a few freshmen to be "ours", which means we adopt them and do our best to include them) Caroline's house-- her family's reactions were hysterical, and we'll definitely be going back, especially since she wasn't there! Then back to Colin's, before dinner at Molly's (hot dogs!), and out to a new ice-cream parlor (Cookies and Cream). Delicious and Fattie Club, best way to end any day.

And now I'm doing homework, knowing that I'll have to be up early again tomorrow for school. First FULL week of school, but I feel more mentally prepared now. Today makes this weekend a success in my book.

See you again tomorrow!
-Aly

NaBloPoMo

Hello, everybody!

So, I’ve been back from France for a month-and-several-days, and time is still passing far too quickly. I’ve got less than a week until school starts again, and to be honest, I’m not at ALL ready. I still haven’t come to terms with the fact that this is my last year of high school, though I’ve been worrying excessively about colleges since about April.

In other news, I’ve been REALLY busy lately, which is why I haven’t yet finished the last two blog posts from France. Sorry about that. Part of the reason is that finishing those posts feels like saying goodbye to that time in my life. I’m still holding on to the memories and the people I met there, my friends and “dreamland”.

Since I’m not that great at blogging or keeping up with this blog, I’ve decided that I’m dedicating this month to be my National Blog Posting Month, which is rather like NaNoWriMo, except it’s basically any time you like. I’ll be blogging daily until September 19th, even if it’s a small post. During this time, expect the last couple blog posts about France, and a few other big posts with excessive pictures. However, it’ll all depend on my schedule—cross-country season is nearly here for good (not just pre-season), and I’ll be busy with college applications, classes, and volunteering soon enough. With a bit MORE luck, I’ll be able to keep up with my French by tutoring others in French, since they cut the AP French program. Basically, if you know anybody that wants to learn French or is struggling with French, let me know, and I’ll see if I can help! ;)

(In reference to the “volunteering” thing—I’m applying to volunteer at the public library! I turned in the application yesterday, before settling in for an hour and some of working on school stuff. I love libraries :D)

Last night was Orientation (at least I didn’t have to go to REAL orientation in the silly clothes I wore to the “What Not To Wear skit” for Freshman orientation in the morning. The Freshman are probably embarrassed about the seniors xD), so I got to “meet” my teachers, though I more-or-less know them all. I’m really excited for my English class, because I have it with Molly, Matt, and Duncan… though I feel sorry for my teacher.

My dual enrollment classes begin Monday. With luck, I’ll be able to change my study hall to be a study hall with French… so that I can speak in French for an hour of my day!

In a strange way, I’m excited for this year. I just know it’ll be hard and crazy, though I think I can handle it. Don’t hold me to that one, though, because I’m probably going to spaz out in a few weeks!

-Aly

Kick Ass Frenchies

JP, Lisa, Nolwenn, me, and Cindy before Kick Ass :D
(Picture credit: Jean Paul, except I think Charlotte took this one.)

Hello again!

I know, you probably feel like you're hearing from me a lot lately. This is due to the fact that I've decided I really need to use my time better, and I've just kind of needed to write on here lately. I think this will be my goal for the next 2 months, so you should be hearing a lot more from me! (I've actually got plans for some things for this blog; check for updates and interesting things! :D)
I have FIVE more postcards. I sent 4, then 10 last week, and today another 11. I lie, it's technically two, since I owe three of you a postcard! Though I may cave in and buy more, if I get more people that want them. So, uhh, seriously, ASK IF YOU WANT A POSTCARD! I would love to send one! Also, I love postcards. Even with pears on them-- thank you, Katherine! (She is awesome! Go check out her blog full of pretty things, happy thoughts, and Grand Schemes :D)

I've been hanging out with my friends lately! They have completely pulled through for me on things we've mentioned doing, such as going to Nice and having sleepovers and such.

I spent Saturday hanging out in Centre-ville with Nolwenn, Lisa, Charlotte H., and Jean-Paul. We went to lunch (I ate another American, you guys. I admit, I really just wanted to say I've eaten more Americans. Such a cannibal...!), took pictures, wandered around, and finally joined Cindy at the Cinemas to see Kick-Ass. I thought it was awesome, but I enjoy such nerds-conquering-the-world-I-mean-being-Nerdfighters type movies. I kept dying of laughter, even though I didn't even understand what exactly they were saying ALL the time. After all that, we had ice cream and hung out more. We managed to convince people walking by we were insane, as well as stalk a marching band in Period Dress (I still don't exactly understand why there were so many people in Old-Fashioned Clothes were wandering around... and all the BOOM!s that weren't fireworks?), and various other fun things. Oh, Frenchies, how much joy you bring me...
[I took pictures! They're on facebook.]

JP, Charlotte H., Lisa, Nolwenn, Cindy

I'm going to Nice with Charlotte B. on Wednesday! We're going to tour the Old part of the town, eating the Best Ice Cream in Nice, and I'm spending the night at her house! (Why, yes, I do have school Thursday. *feels B)

OH! And tomorrow, I've got TWO CLASSES (technically 3, but 2 hours of French except one hour is with the Premier ES1, and 2 hours of "hande." [Handball, they always leave off the -ball.])! After which, me and the Frenchies are going to McDonald's (I think that will be the 10th time), then the Theatre to see Mozart's Flute Enchantee. It will be AWESOME! There's ACROBATS!!!!! (I hope I'm allowed to bring my camera because I definitely am.)

I'll tell you about tomorrow and Wednesday as soon as possible-- hopefully with pictures! But at the moment, I have to run errands and do Important Things, so I'm going to peace out and not include any details about why today is fail, but in a way that I don't really care about because I'm in a great mood. :D

-Aly

Trips to McDonalds/Quick: 9 [this is including during the last vacation, so this is the as-of-today count]