On Failure

Hello, all!

Normally around this time, I'd be writing frantically in an attempt to finish my novel before the end of National Novel Writing Month. But this year, that isn't happening and I can't help but say that I'm a bit disappointed in myself. It seems like I've failed myself.

Failure is an interesting thing. It leads to feelings of inadequacy and shame and other unpleasant feelings. But it's not the end of the world. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be proud of yourself because the thing about failure is that it means you at least TRIED. (In most cases; the case could be made that failing at something means you didn't try hard enough, but I'm trying to be positive here...)

I think it takes a kind of bravery to say that you have failed at something. It's admitting to yourself and others that you didn't finish something you said you would. It's difficult to claim failure because it isn't something to be PROUD of.

Really cliche quotes always say that you can't do everything perfectly on the first try, and every failure is a step in the right direction-- a way to help you learn and grow as an individual. While I have a tendency to scoff at these quotes, I have to admit that there is some value in them.

I've "won" NaNoWriMo for the last two years-- both times I've attempted it. This year, I was hesitant to even begin but thanks to the persuasion of a few of my writing friends, I started a novel this month. I doubted my ability to finish, based on my failure at NaBloPoMo in September. Furthermore, finals are coming up and this month has been the one where I have had more work to do in every class. It seemed like an impossible task-- throw in a novel on top of all that? No thanks.

But I can't be too upset with myself for failing. I keep reminding myself that I at least tried and though I've given up on hitting the 50k goal, I'm going to keep writing this story. Failing at NaNoWriMo doesn't mean that I've failed at life and to be honest, the only person I've let down is myself, namely because some small part of me believes that I should have been able to finish.

The truth is, sometimes failure is inevitable. Sometimes life gets in the way and sometimes it's hard to figure out what to do next and sometimes things don't work out the way you expect them to. However, that doesn't mean it isn't worth a shot, because with that risk of failure comes the chance of success and I'm a firm believer of trying.

And yes, failure helps you grow. It helps you learn. Failing gives you a perspective on your life and a chance to fix mistakes when the opportunity arises to try again.

So even though I failed at NaNoWriMo (and NaBloPoMo), it doesn't mean I'm giving up. It just means I'm trying something else out.

And now, I need to return to work that needs to be done. Failure isn't an option.

-Aly

Lacking Words

Hello, all!

Lacking words to describe today, or any deep revelations to share, I leave you with a few scattered thoughts.

This weekend felt like summer, prolonged.
Repetition of familiar trails isn't always bad; the familiarity is comforting.
Sometimes the best quotes are the ones that are embarrassing.
Moments between friends when seen by an almost-stranger are incredibly awkward.
It's hard to explain some things and still sound sane.

Goodnight!
A demain.
-Aly

Too Many Goodbyes

Hello, all!

I'm done with high school. I've taken all my exams and finished my classes. I've started cleaning out boxes of stuff. I've been signing yearbooks, writing letters, reading notes written to me, uploading pictures to facebook. Everything is frantic, a last-ditch effort to claim ownership of a vaguely-familiar life. It's all leading to goodbye.

I hate goodbyes, I really do. And these goodbyes... well, I don't want to make most of them. I refuse to accept that this is the end, because endings can be sad more often than not.

I refuse to say goodbye to the movie nights that have characterized a seven-year-long-friendship.

I refuse to say goodbye to the stories I created when I was just beginning to write.

I won't say goodbye to the teachers that have made my high school experience wonderful, and I especially will not say goodbye to the ones that have made this year memorable and amazing.

I won't say goodbye to my unexpected friends, or the unexpected moments of beauty experienced with them.

I refuse to say goodbye to the friends with whom I found a home. Or the stories we wrote in our lives or in our minds, the ones that we never finished and the ones that we did because living is much easier than imagining, at least for now.

I won't say goodbye to these half-created plans, these fractions of thoughts and ideas that seem never to happen. I won't give up hope that they can happen, that these crazy dreams and plans and schemes are even possible-- because I want to believe that they will.

I won't say goodbye to the list of things I meant to do this year but didn't. Goals can change and shift and not accomplishing them is no reason for me to give up trying to make them happen in some form.

But mostly, I absolutely refuse to say goodbye to my life as it is now--- the people or this place or these dreams or these words, even. It is not yet gone and I am still here. And I refuse to say goodbye because I know I will return to HERE in my mind and in my future, to every aspect of this hectic existence.

Thanks for listening, as always-- sorry I've been absent, but as mentioned... frantic, crazy life. Sometimes I just need a break from my own mind, but sometimes I need to speak.

-Aly

Forgotten Posts

Hello!

So, I spent three hours in the library today. I love the library so I really don't mind much, but I did use the time productively. I published a few posts from months (or years... hello there, post from 2009) ago that I had forgotten about. Thank goodness that blogger saves them automatically, but still, I had forgotten about them, these small moments of time where something was going on and I just had to blog about it, but when it came down to it, nothing was actually said.

All of these posts ended up where they would have been had I actually published them on time, but you won't know where they are so.... here's a list!

1. Five days before I left for France, I wrote this post. I was going to write something else, probably talk about my week, but as I looked at it today, I realized that I really didn't need to say more. Read it here.
2. On May 1st of 2010, I had a lot to talk about, mostly reflections on April, where I didn't post much. I started to think about what life would be like when I got home, but I never finished writing. I finished the post today, but didn't finish up where I had left off because I have long since forgotten what I had to say. Read it here.
3. In December, there was a lot going on in my life, and I had one particular conversation that stuck out to me. For some reason, I preserved it in a poem in a blog post that was never published. It's vaguely poetic, and talks about forgiveness. Read it here.

Well, that's it that I remember immediately! (Ha. Ha. sorry, unintended pun.)

OH WAIT. I forgot about the MAlly Chat blog! I wrote a few posts on there while I was in France, if you never saw those.
1. Jan. 2010: A letter-in-blog-form I wrote to Molly at the beginning of 2010. Read here.
2. Jan. 2010: A post I wrote about my fail with buses and frolicking. Read here.
3. Jan. 2010: I ranted about how things seemed to be swallowed by the room I stayed in for the first four/five months I was in France. Read here.
4. April 2010: Talking about growing up & change. Read here.
5. May 2010: Part of my birthday present to Molly, a blog post. Read here.
6. May 2010: A ridiculous post about the smelliness of cheese, for no apparent reason. ... Yeah. Read here... xD

While I was at the library I realized that I never mind spending hours at the library. I have always loved the library, probably because the children's section in the library I went to as a child was ridiculously epic (it had a GIANT TREE on the inside. I mean, come on, guys. A tree. Though I don't remember if it was just a painting, a fabric tree, or a real TREE.). I remember having storytime in this little trailer, sitting in a circle and listening to stories.

It may just be because I love books. There was this used bookstore in that same tiny town in Florida that my mom would take my brother and I. It smelled wonderful in there. (I love the smell of used/old books.) I'd sit between the aisles and pick through the paperbacks, finding Goosebumps books or whatever it is that I was reading. I don't really know, but I just remember that store on the corner in the older part of town, where I could get lost in books.

I went back to that store a while ago; it has moved, but it still smells the same.

...

I completely lost where I was going with that.

Anyway, read those old posts and marvel at the productiveness of the library.

(I also added the tag NaBloPoMo, so it should be easier to find all the NaBloPoMo posts from August/September and this month! Yay.)

-Aly

Pretzel Roll

HELLO!

Today was long run, homeworkhomeworkhomework, Rock the Block, and some time to talk to Frenchies.

What do you think of the slightly-altered blog design? Hopefully it isn't as hard to read now... I'm hoping that at some point I'll be able to get a more customized design, but I'm still controlling how it looks, so this is as good as it's getting! I can alter it again or do something different, but I am LAZY and it may take a while for me to get around to that.

It feels like fall. Though I just got new shorts and tank tops from Margaret (stolen from her Goodwill pile). Good timing?

I don't dress transitionally. I wear the clothes for the weather that I want to have, which is currently shorts and flip-flops, despite the discomfort from the cross-country blisters. The blisters are a result of the snazzy new socks we got to race in, but wearing them for seven miles ended up torturing my poor feet. I was doing so well, too!

Every day at practice, I realize how naked I feel without my running watch. I'm generally so obsessive over time that not having a watch annoys me to no end. Especially on days like today when there's a bit of a workout going on. A new watch is on my list again, but then again, my list of stuff I want (*feels so greedy*) is too long and I'm too broke.

As the weather gets cooler, I keep thinking about indoor and outdoor track and whether or not I want to participate in either. I'm not really a track person but I love spending time with my team (especially my best friends that are runners, because I won't see them otherwise and their presence in my life is very important to me). I'll be so busy! D: Thus, I'm putting off decision-making until it is absolutely necessary. Help? :/

Tomorrow is going to be fun-- Lunch with Alex, Colin, and Molly, and then we'll be going to see the Tempest. I love Shakespeare class, and this week we'll be starting the Taming of the Shrew; I have a feeling that I'll adore it. Unfortunately I have lots of work to do other than that. On the bright side, I don't have Business Law on Monday morning! :D

Now, more homework. Sociology. Whoops.

A demain!
-Aly

Failed Crepes

HELLO!

I don't know what it is about cooking French cuisine that always has me stumped. It's crepes more than anything, but the inability to make crepes seems to only occur in the States. I am determined though, and one of these days I'll be successful. >.<

Today was less mind-numbing as yesterday, though once again I have too much to do. I'm working on various tasks at once, if that counts for anything. I'm surrounded by a field of paper, if textbooks, notebooks, binders, books, and my French pencil case all count as paper, the field being the dining room table or my bedroom floor. (Two very different places, however both seem to be disaster zones of Important Things.)

Tomorrow we're supposed to find out about that one scholarship. And then there's a cross-country race that afternoon, at a course that I'm not overly fond of. I'll survive, though I make no promises about my mental health after that point.

There are some topics I have yet to blog about that I want to tackle, but they don't really fit into the details of my life. I don't have time right now to sit down and organize my thoughts on the matter. Some of those are France-related, and others aren't.

I've got to go now; the field of paper is pushing back into my mind.

OH!
The person I appreciate the most today is Caroline. She's one of my freshman buddies, and is completely awesome. She had this great quote today as we were running after the French Club meeting (she and Molly are joining all the language clubs, and since today was a French Club meeting that lasted quite a while and involved food, we were quite stuffed when we got to practice 30 minutes late...), she said "I'm feelin' the craps! ... Crepes!". I died laughing :)

A demain!
-Aly

NaBloPoMo

Hello, everybody!

So, I’ve been back from France for a month-and-several-days, and time is still passing far too quickly. I’ve got less than a week until school starts again, and to be honest, I’m not at ALL ready. I still haven’t come to terms with the fact that this is my last year of high school, though I’ve been worrying excessively about colleges since about April.

In other news, I’ve been REALLY busy lately, which is why I haven’t yet finished the last two blog posts from France. Sorry about that. Part of the reason is that finishing those posts feels like saying goodbye to that time in my life. I’m still holding on to the memories and the people I met there, my friends and “dreamland”.

Since I’m not that great at blogging or keeping up with this blog, I’ve decided that I’m dedicating this month to be my National Blog Posting Month, which is rather like NaNoWriMo, except it’s basically any time you like. I’ll be blogging daily until September 19th, even if it’s a small post. During this time, expect the last couple blog posts about France, and a few other big posts with excessive pictures. However, it’ll all depend on my schedule—cross-country season is nearly here for good (not just pre-season), and I’ll be busy with college applications, classes, and volunteering soon enough. With a bit MORE luck, I’ll be able to keep up with my French by tutoring others in French, since they cut the AP French program. Basically, if you know anybody that wants to learn French or is struggling with French, let me know, and I’ll see if I can help! ;)

(In reference to the “volunteering” thing—I’m applying to volunteer at the public library! I turned in the application yesterday, before settling in for an hour and some of working on school stuff. I love libraries :D)

Last night was Orientation (at least I didn’t have to go to REAL orientation in the silly clothes I wore to the “What Not To Wear skit” for Freshman orientation in the morning. The Freshman are probably embarrassed about the seniors xD), so I got to “meet” my teachers, though I more-or-less know them all. I’m really excited for my English class, because I have it with Molly, Matt, and Duncan… though I feel sorry for my teacher.

My dual enrollment classes begin Monday. With luck, I’ll be able to change my study hall to be a study hall with French… so that I can speak in French for an hour of my day!

In a strange way, I’m excited for this year. I just know it’ll be hard and crazy, though I think I can handle it. Don’t hold me to that one, though, because I’m probably going to spaz out in a few weeks!

-Aly

Dreamland

Hello again!

I’ve put this off for a few days now, but it’s about time that I sit down and actually write this blog, so here it goes.

I’ve been here for five months now, and in that time, quite a bit has changed. The most obvious is, of course, language-wise, but I’ve also gained many amazing friends and experiences.

Some things haven’t quite been what I expected them to be, but some, such as the relationships I’ve built, have been so much more important to me than I expected. I’ve spent these last two months (ever since the last vacation) in my own personal version of heaven, so busy with my French friends that I didn’t have time to miss home. And now, I’ve moved in with my friend Charlotte—I finally get to experience a “host family” with somebody my age, which is quite fun.

I could get all sappy here, but the video I posted on the 21st shows it pretty well—all that video was taken in a span of four days, and it’s kind of a present for the Frenchies, with whom I’ve passed so many good days lately.

OH! In other news, I only have 2 days of school left. And then I’m off to Bordeaux again, and the final few weeks in June, I’ll spend with Charlotte (B.) and my other friends. I’m so not ready for this to end, it’s just TOO GOOD.

♥,
-Aly

Trips to McDonalds/Quick: 12
(*hides in shame*)

MAY FIRST

Hello!

Happy May, you guys!

I've heard from many of you that you've already received the post cards I sent-- to those of you that haven't gotten them, they SHOULD be there soon! If you have given me your address, I've either already sent or am about to send you mail.

April was a good month, the midway point and the next step closer to finishing up my time here. Like all the other months, it was good (with some bad).

In April I loved:

1. Travelling-- I finally EXPLORED France. I saw Bordeaux and Toulouse, and Carcassonne, as well as many other small villages with history.
   
2. Meeting new people & getting to know my French friends better-- this last month has been AMAZING in that aspect! Good-bye and good riddance, awkward stage of friendship! You guys at home, I've said it before, and I'll say it again with complete convinction... the Frenchies are fantastic, and I love them to bits.
   
3. Renewing my "France crush"-- Once again, the love for France is back... thanks to the experiences I've had this month, and a renewing of the vision of France I get when I see all the beauty and history here. Except now, I recognize it's faults. And that's perfectly fine.
4. Fluency-- After four months of living here, I've finally heard it from just about everyone: "You speak French really well!", and at last, I believe them. I had a conversation with Charlotte about this the other day, and basically, I can no longer say that I'm NOT fluent. This makes me ridiculously happy. I'M BILINGUAL?!
5. Just to round out this list, April was amazing because... I'm nearly finished. I'm sad and excited about this, with how things have been going, but I think about it... four months. It's been nearly a year since I started this blog, since I truly began planning this trip. Four far-too-fast and all-too-slow months. I'll be home soon-- I'm excited for the new possibilities and about tackling the next adventure. And I'm really, really impatient to see all my friends and family at home, because I miss them so much.

Things that weren't so great in April:

1. Saying goodbye to new places & people.
2. Communication problems.
3. Train Strikes.
4. Freaking. School.
   

I mean, that's really nothing, and I really don't mind those that much because saying goodbye to people and places is rough, but I WILL find a way to go back and see them in the future, the communication problems have been resolved, the train strike was annoying but it did allow me to spend more time with people that I find to be amazing, and school meant more time with friends in Frejus! :D

In other news, I have far too many things to deal with at home. Home being the US, of course. Real life is calling me back, responsibilities and plans for things that are Actually Quite Important.

AP French won't exist next year, so far as I've heard. This means that my French education is basically over, and I'll have to start taking lower levels of French than I'm capable of. It aggravates me to no end, that I've worked (as have the other students that want to take the class, even if there are just 5 of us) for YEARS to be able to take AP French. The AP French teacher was my FIRST French teacher, ever, and I just think it would be really cool to end my years of French class (that is, if I don't take it in college) with the same teacher I began learning French with.

Anyway, MAY. I'll let you know how it goes.
Lots to do! BYE.
-Aly

French Sickie

Hello, everybody!

I've been here in Fréjus for ONE MONTH! I've been in France for a bit longer, but still. I've made it through one month, and I'm beginning to think that the time here will be passing too quickly. This scares me-- I feel like there's so much more to learn, to see, and to experience. I've got to learn, though my vocabulary, pronounciation, and general knowledge is improving as I spend more time surrounded by French culture and words. This isn't a long-overdue update, but I'm working on those! (After I finish the Week One post, I probably won't be worrying about going back and filling in all the mundane details of my life.)

At any rate, right now I'm sick (I have a cold), so I haven't done anything interesting this weekend. I didn't have the time/energy/willpower to run at all this past week at the beautiful Ville Aurelienne. One of my friends has said that he might run with me some Saturday though, so that's awesome because I don't have a running buddy here. This next Saturday marks the beginning of Winter Holidays here, which last for a couple weeks (I think). I don't have any plans, but hopefully I can find something other than reading and/or watching movies to entertain myself.

(I've been reading Harry Potter books; my friend Charlotte H. gave me the second, fifth, and sixth Harry Potter books in French, for which I will love her forever because HARRYPOTTEREEP! I read the first chapter of the second book yesterday.... and then watched the first two movies.)

Being sick in a foreign country is particularly unpleasant, as all the things you do when you're sick may not work so well or be quite the same, since you're elsewhere. The medicine isn't the same, and I've been sucking on Ricola/Coldeeze that Dad left me (again) because I've been hacking all over the place. I may head over to the Pharmacie down the street (if Nathalie and Olivier don't think I'll collapse or suddenly catch pneumonia along the way...) and hunt for some meds that Mom looked up that are the French equivalents of familiar things (like Motrin, except not really).

(I've been taking this stuff called Doliprane, which is similar to Tylenol-- you dissolve it in water and drink it; not yummy. It's supposed to get rid of my fever, not that I know my exact temperature because 1) Celsius???? and 2) I refuse to use their thermometer... but I generally know when I have a fever.)

My friends here are quite awesome; they use MSN, rather than AIM, so I spend a lot of time on there now, even though I haven't used that email address in years. My expressions don't translate well into French, but they seem to understand some of them ("happydance, anyone? no? Okay, errr... danse de bonheur? oui? YAY!!!!!").

I love to go downtown-- I always walk the same way, because I don't know which way is faster and the path I take is the one that Laure showed me when I went to see Avatar in French with her and her friend Anais. I ran at Base Nature a couple weeks ago, and decided that it'll work in when I'm in desperate need of running, but it's like the beginning of the Wendy's course (flat, field; when it's not marsh-like, it's probably dusty). But Fréjus is qute a nice place, if a bit sleepy. I'm looking forward to summer, because there seems to be NOTHING to do here in the winter!

I just wanted to let you all know that I'm doing well; I'm speaking in French to my friends at school more, and actually participating in some classes (such as some of my 9-hours-of-French-classes, where I'll read out loud a bit of a poem or story excerpt). I'll be attempting to make Toll House Cookies at some point (I have to save some for my English teacher, actually, haha), and things are more-or-less settling down at Chez Chasson now (11 year old boy = never true calm), and MY FRENCH IS IMPROVING (or so I've been told by quite a few people, though I believe that Corentin may say otherwise based on the amount of correcting he does... xD).

Hope all you North Carolinians are enjoying your SNOW (!!!), and that everybody is well & happy :)
-Aly

Bonne Année!

Hey everybody!

I’m just about to have a marathon of blogging, and I know that I’ll forget to say this later, but…

It’s 2010! WHOO!

This is the year that a lot of my friends will be graduating :( [aren’t you guys EXCITED, though?! How many days to go?], and I’m really excited for this year myself.

Dad and I saw a fireworks display in Saint Raphaël (which I’ll tell you more about later… after I write about it, that is), and that was a great way to bring in the New Year. I’m quite excited for the next six months, that I’ll spend in France… I don’t have a resolution yet! Unless you count learning to speak French fluently. Is that a resolution?

ANYWAY! I hope you all are having a great New Year’s Day!

[Molly, sorry I’m missing the Beans and Greens Party. Does it count if Dad and I hear the Black Eyed Peas all day? ;)]

Bonne Année!

-Aly

PAUSE.

Hokayso, I'm really tired right now and I'm busy talking to Molly, so there's no way the blog of Day Four will be written today. Nor will the pictures be put in. Errrr. You'll have to wait for a bit! SORRY!

Hope you had a great day, though! I did! :)
-Aly