Hello, all!
So, I'm back at school now, and for once I'm alone in my room with my thoughts. It's weird... it seems to quiet and lonely in here without the companionship of my friends.
Today, I seem to have retreated into my own mind a bit. Caught in my own analysis of my surroundings and distracted by other stories or people or places, I'm not sure what I need to snap out of this silence. I'm unnerved by the fact that I feel like I'm neither here nor there, not fully present in conversations as thoughts whisk me to other places and reality snaps me back.
It's been raining lately, patches of torrential downpour and moments of gloomy grey sky. I'm enraptured by it, the noise and the feel of it... I've danced in it already, and I'm still cold and shivering. A moment of brief respite from my mind, though a few minutes of spinning around like a madwoman possessed by some undeniable urge to be strange for no apparent reason. Cold and shivering with rain battering me, it was easy to feel small and forgettable for a little bit. Unfortunately, this foolishness, though not regretted, was only a momentary escape before my mind closed around me again and I found myself at a standstill.
Sometimes, in moments like that, I believe that I shouldn't be around people at all. Like the presence of people I barely know but already know too well (it's a strange contradiction) makes the fact that I'm silently lost less legitimate and more like a show of my inability to decide how I should act or what I need to be doing.
These are scattered thoughts, but I'm thinking in terms of rainstorms, ideas and judgements and my own uncertainty... leaves tracked in by feet, unnoticed until they are scattered across your floor. I'll just keep dancing around in circles, embracing the rain until the world is a blur and my mind has settled.
A demain!
-Aly
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Monday, September 5, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
That Kind of Day
I feel lost today. The sky was grey, that peculiar shade that engulfs the sky, taunting of a looming storm. The air was still, scant breezes lazily wafting by, but I felt lost. There's something about this weekend and today that combined to make me feel heavy. The weight of some unknown settles into my stomach and I am disjointed from the world, as though the air is bending around me, never touching. I walk steadily and my feet seem to be too strong. My eyes won't close, and my mind won't focus. I think of nothing and everything.
There's a heaviness to my heart too-- not the actual organ, of course; physically I am fine. But I find my mind suddenly switching to French and images rise to my memory, floating behind my eyes and I recognize the emotion. I am lonely, profoundly so, missing "home", the home I knew last year, that comfortable place with friends I rarely have the chance to speak to. It's as though I am on French time and everybody else is here. My entire being is out of sync with everybody around me, dragging a moment behind or leaping too far forward. When I speak, it's as though my voice is a whisper and when I try again, it fades altogether, dropping silently to the floor where my companions cannot hear it.
The day is grey and gloomy; I am, too. I seek the sun, but notice that it has been stolen from even the places where I seek refuge. As though I truly am alone, forgotten, or pushed away. A simple question confuses me, and I wonder if the suggestion is a valid one. This emotion isn't like anger, it's haunting. Anger feels like burning and I feel like a shadow.
I move automatically, not knowing where to go but seeking the only solution I can find. The respite of silence and the creaking of an old building, the familiar scent of books. I belong here, a girl artfully ignored. I work silently, the keys clicking under my fingers, glancing up every now and again to see familiar faces across the room. They don't notice me, but I smile, knowing that if I stood up and wandered over, they would say hello with a smile and I would have the chance to talk about my day and seek some sort of comfort through kind words.
I don't seek that comfort though. In this moment, I am alone, and I accept that. I seek something besides people but I'm not sure what. The uneasiness in my heart makes the world seem heavier, even as the sun sets and stains the sky orange and pink, sweeping across the earth and onto me.
...
Today is that kind of day.
Sorry if that made no sense, I'm just rambling.
-Aly
There's a heaviness to my heart too-- not the actual organ, of course; physically I am fine. But I find my mind suddenly switching to French and images rise to my memory, floating behind my eyes and I recognize the emotion. I am lonely, profoundly so, missing "home", the home I knew last year, that comfortable place with friends I rarely have the chance to speak to. It's as though I am on French time and everybody else is here. My entire being is out of sync with everybody around me, dragging a moment behind or leaping too far forward. When I speak, it's as though my voice is a whisper and when I try again, it fades altogether, dropping silently to the floor where my companions cannot hear it.
The day is grey and gloomy; I am, too. I seek the sun, but notice that it has been stolen from even the places where I seek refuge. As though I truly am alone, forgotten, or pushed away. A simple question confuses me, and I wonder if the suggestion is a valid one. This emotion isn't like anger, it's haunting. Anger feels like burning and I feel like a shadow.
I move automatically, not knowing where to go but seeking the only solution I can find. The respite of silence and the creaking of an old building, the familiar scent of books. I belong here, a girl artfully ignored. I work silently, the keys clicking under my fingers, glancing up every now and again to see familiar faces across the room. They don't notice me, but I smile, knowing that if I stood up and wandered over, they would say hello with a smile and I would have the chance to talk about my day and seek some sort of comfort through kind words.
I don't seek that comfort though. In this moment, I am alone, and I accept that. I seek something besides people but I'm not sure what. The uneasiness in my heart makes the world seem heavier, even as the sun sets and stains the sky orange and pink, sweeping across the earth and onto me.
...
Today is that kind of day.
Sorry if that made no sense, I'm just rambling.
-Aly
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Forgotten Posts
Hello!
So, I spent three hours in the library today. I love the library so I really don't mind much, but I did use the time productively. I published a few posts from months (or years... hello there, post from 2009) ago that I had forgotten about. Thank goodness that blogger saves them automatically, but still, I had forgotten about them, these small moments of time where something was going on and I just had to blog about it, but when it came down to it, nothing was actually said.
All of these posts ended up where they would have been had I actually published them on time, but you won't know where they are so.... here's a list!
1. Five days before I left for France, I wrote this post. I was going to write something else, probably talk about my week, but as I looked at it today, I realized that I really didn't need to say more. Read it here.
2. On May 1st of 2010, I had a lot to talk about, mostly reflections on April, where I didn't post much. I started to think about what life would be like when I got home, but I never finished writing. I finished the post today, but didn't finish up where I had left off because I have long since forgotten what I had to say. Read it here.
3. In December, there was a lot going on in my life, and I had one particular conversation that stuck out to me. For some reason, I preserved it in a poem in a blog post that was never published. It's vaguely poetic, and talks about forgiveness. Read it here.
Well, that's it that I remember immediately! (Ha. Ha. sorry, unintended pun.)
OH WAIT. I forgot about the MAlly Chat blog! I wrote a few posts on there while I was in France, if you never saw those.
1. Jan. 2010: A letter-in-blog-form I wrote to Molly at the beginning of 2010. Read here.
2. Jan. 2010: A post I wrote about my fail with buses and frolicking. Read here.
3. Jan. 2010: I ranted about how things seemed to be swallowed by the room I stayed in for the first four/five months I was in France. Read here.
4. April 2010: Talking about growing up & change. Read here.
5. May 2010: Part of my birthday present to Molly, a blog post. Read here.
6. May 2010: A ridiculous post about the smelliness of cheese, for no apparent reason. ... Yeah. Read here... xD
While I was at the library I realized that I never mind spending hours at the library. I have always loved the library, probably because the children's section in the library I went to as a child was ridiculously epic (it had a GIANT TREE on the inside. I mean, come on, guys. A tree. Though I don't remember if it was just a painting, a fabric tree, or a real TREE.). I remember having storytime in this little trailer, sitting in a circle and listening to stories.
It may just be because I love books. There was this used bookstore in that same tiny town in Florida that my mom would take my brother and I. It smelled wonderful in there. (I love the smell of used/old books.) I'd sit between the aisles and pick through the paperbacks, finding Goosebumps books or whatever it is that I was reading. I don't really know, but I just remember that store on the corner in the older part of town, where I could get lost in books.
I went back to that store a while ago; it has moved, but it still smells the same.
...
I completely lost where I was going with that.
Anyway, read those old posts and marvel at the productiveness of the library.
(I also added the tag NaBloPoMo, so it should be easier to find all the NaBloPoMo posts from August/September and this month! Yay.)
-Aly
So, I spent three hours in the library today. I love the library so I really don't mind much, but I did use the time productively. I published a few posts from months (or years... hello there, post from 2009) ago that I had forgotten about. Thank goodness that blogger saves them automatically, but still, I had forgotten about them, these small moments of time where something was going on and I just had to blog about it, but when it came down to it, nothing was actually said.
All of these posts ended up where they would have been had I actually published them on time, but you won't know where they are so.... here's a list!
1. Five days before I left for France, I wrote this post. I was going to write something else, probably talk about my week, but as I looked at it today, I realized that I really didn't need to say more. Read it here.
2. On May 1st of 2010, I had a lot to talk about, mostly reflections on April, where I didn't post much. I started to think about what life would be like when I got home, but I never finished writing. I finished the post today, but didn't finish up where I had left off because I have long since forgotten what I had to say. Read it here.
3. In December, there was a lot going on in my life, and I had one particular conversation that stuck out to me. For some reason, I preserved it in a poem in a blog post that was never published. It's vaguely poetic, and talks about forgiveness. Read it here.
Well, that's it that I remember immediately! (Ha. Ha. sorry, unintended pun.)
OH WAIT. I forgot about the MAlly Chat blog! I wrote a few posts on there while I was in France, if you never saw those.
1. Jan. 2010: A letter-in-blog-form I wrote to Molly at the beginning of 2010. Read here.
2. Jan. 2010: A post I wrote about my fail with buses and frolicking. Read here.
3. Jan. 2010: I ranted about how things seemed to be swallowed by the room I stayed in for the first four/five months I was in France. Read here.
4. April 2010: Talking about growing up & change. Read here.
5. May 2010: Part of my birthday present to Molly, a blog post. Read here.
6. May 2010: A ridiculous post about the smelliness of cheese, for no apparent reason. ... Yeah. Read here... xD
While I was at the library I realized that I never mind spending hours at the library. I have always loved the library, probably because the children's section in the library I went to as a child was ridiculously epic (it had a GIANT TREE on the inside. I mean, come on, guys. A tree. Though I don't remember if it was just a painting, a fabric tree, or a real TREE.). I remember having storytime in this little trailer, sitting in a circle and listening to stories.
It may just be because I love books. There was this used bookstore in that same tiny town in Florida that my mom would take my brother and I. It smelled wonderful in there. (I love the smell of used/old books.) I'd sit between the aisles and pick through the paperbacks, finding Goosebumps books or whatever it is that I was reading. I don't really know, but I just remember that store on the corner in the older part of town, where I could get lost in books.
I went back to that store a while ago; it has moved, but it still smells the same.
...
I completely lost where I was going with that.
Anyway, read those old posts and marvel at the productiveness of the library.
(I also added the tag NaBloPoMo, so it should be easier to find all the NaBloPoMo posts from August/September and this month! Yay.)
-Aly
Friday, September 10, 2010
Not a Food-Named Post
Hello!
I would usually be getting out of school about now, but I actually left on a bus this morning to go to Wilmington for the cross-country meet. Anyway, I'm sure I'll have stuff to say about it when I get back, but my goals for this weekend:
1. Do well in the meet. Doesn't mean a PR, necessarily, but trying my hardest and feeling ridiculously exhausted at the end is basically how it should go.
2. Take loads of pictures. For prosperity.
3. Come home with fun memories. Senior year, first time at Wilmington, hanging out with the cross-country ladies. YAY SENIOR ROOM! :D
That's it. Simple goals, yes? Definitely accomplish-able.
TOMORROW, look forward to the LONG-AWAITED Tours/Bordeaux/Pays Basque post! I'm sorry it's taken so long, but I technically finished it a while ago. I was just saving it for tomorrow at this point, for a time when I know I won't be able to blog. Please comment, ask questions, or whatever-- I love to talk about my time in France, and it's still pretty fresh in my mind.
A demain (kinda).
-Aly
I would usually be getting out of school about now, but I actually left on a bus this morning to go to Wilmington for the cross-country meet. Anyway, I'm sure I'll have stuff to say about it when I get back, but my goals for this weekend:
1. Do well in the meet. Doesn't mean a PR, necessarily, but trying my hardest and feeling ridiculously exhausted at the end is basically how it should go.
2. Take loads of pictures. For prosperity.
3. Come home with fun memories. Senior year, first time at Wilmington, hanging out with the cross-country ladies. YAY SENIOR ROOM! :D
That's it. Simple goals, yes? Definitely accomplish-able.
TOMORROW, look forward to the LONG-AWAITED Tours/Bordeaux/Pays Basque post! I'm sorry it's taken so long, but I technically finished it a while ago. I was just saving it for tomorrow at this point, for a time when I know I won't be able to blog. Please comment, ask questions, or whatever-- I love to talk about my time in France, and it's still pretty fresh in my mind.
A demain (kinda).
-Aly
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