Hello, all!
I spent a lot of my time today feeling strangely productive and adult-like. I cleaned my room (it wasn't *that* bad by college standards, or even my own, but the emptiness of my room makes any sort of disorganization or mess glaringly obvious), vacuumed my room and bathroom, washed dishes, cleaned my sink (and the toilet... ew...), did laundry, and I even DECORATED my walls.
There's nothing particularly extraordinary about these things, or the fact that I did them (though my mother might tell you otherwise), but I'm finding it rather odd that I chose to spend most of my day doing things like that rather than simply wandering around campus aimlessly. However, it's not like I did those things alone, without people around, or did nothing else but that. My social life still existed during most of that. I suppose it must be a measure of how comfortable my new friends and I are around each other that we can turn the time during which I would be doing something monotonous and eerily similar to chores into a few hours of hanging out. I mean, you know you must be close to people when they see you sorting through your dirty clothes.
At any rate, I guess what I'm trying to say is that college today was a strange contradiction. It's weird to feel childish (some of that social time was predictably spent coloring in my Sesame Street coloring book. Don't judge me, it was a gift!) and strangely grown-up at the same time. It's also strange to realize that my dorm room, for the moment, feels more comfortable and home-like than my room at home did when I was there just a few days ago. Time spent here is kind of relaxing, and feels just as familiar as my house did.
I'm not even done decorating yet-- I need more postcards/pictures/posters to decorate the walls with and I'm kind of hesitant to cover a lot of the extra wall space I have now in case I get a new roommate... though I need more STUFF in here to keep it from being echo-y. I'm decorating in stages-- I'll post pictures when I have finished putting up everything that I currently have.
Anyway, that was ramble-y.
Goodnight!
A demain,
-Aly
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Downtown Tuesday
Hello, all!
Today ended up being a pretty fantastic day. The weather was more-or-less perfect, but in contrast to yesterday's rain and gloom, it felt like a perfect transitional day. A bit of rain, a lot of sun... a good day for walking, which is lucky because I ended up doing a lot of that.
So, my friend Alec had an assignment to do for his anthropology class. He had to go observe people and write down his observations in order to write a two page paper (I'm not sure the point exactly but people-watching is fun), so we decided to walk downtown. That's about a mile or so to walk, up and down hills of course but not an unpleasant walk when the weather is nice and you have nothing better to do with an afternoon.
Watching people in Downtown Asheville is strange. It's not quite a big enough city for there to be the distracted-and-serious business people, and it's not quite bustling, but there's enough activity to make it interesting. It's relaxed downtown, and nobody seems in any particular rush to do anything or go anywhere. But like any other downtown area, all the people walk by, oblivious of their surroundings and so focused on their own thoughts and their own lives that they don't seem to notice the rustle of the leaves in the trees, the cool fall breeze that seems out of place in September but makes the day the perfect temperature.
It always strikes me when people watching, how lonely everybody seems. All these people, lost in their own thoughts, moving on autopilot... how interesting it would be to step into their mind for a second and see if they are even living fully. Even here in Asheville, the people walk by like robots, smiling to themselves and generally uninterested in anything outside of their own minds. I can't blame them for it, since I have days like that too, but it's just interesting to note the stark contrast between the lively community of the drum circle downtown on Friday nights with the sleepy monotony and loneliness of a Tuesday afternoon.
A demain!
-Aly
Today ended up being a pretty fantastic day. The weather was more-or-less perfect, but in contrast to yesterday's rain and gloom, it felt like a perfect transitional day. A bit of rain, a lot of sun... a good day for walking, which is lucky because I ended up doing a lot of that.
So, my friend Alec had an assignment to do for his anthropology class. He had to go observe people and write down his observations in order to write a two page paper (I'm not sure the point exactly but people-watching is fun), so we decided to walk downtown. That's about a mile or so to walk, up and down hills of course but not an unpleasant walk when the weather is nice and you have nothing better to do with an afternoon.
Watching people in Downtown Asheville is strange. It's not quite a big enough city for there to be the distracted-and-serious business people, and it's not quite bustling, but there's enough activity to make it interesting. It's relaxed downtown, and nobody seems in any particular rush to do anything or go anywhere. But like any other downtown area, all the people walk by, oblivious of their surroundings and so focused on their own thoughts and their own lives that they don't seem to notice the rustle of the leaves in the trees, the cool fall breeze that seems out of place in September but makes the day the perfect temperature.
It always strikes me when people watching, how lonely everybody seems. All these people, lost in their own thoughts, moving on autopilot... how interesting it would be to step into their mind for a second and see if they are even living fully. Even here in Asheville, the people walk by like robots, smiling to themselves and generally uninterested in anything outside of their own minds. I can't blame them for it, since I have days like that too, but it's just interesting to note the stark contrast between the lively community of the drum circle downtown on Friday nights with the sleepy monotony and loneliness of a Tuesday afternoon.
A demain!
-Aly
Monday, September 5, 2011
Thinking in Rainstorms
Hello, all!
So, I'm back at school now, and for once I'm alone in my room with my thoughts. It's weird... it seems to quiet and lonely in here without the companionship of my friends.
Today, I seem to have retreated into my own mind a bit. Caught in my own analysis of my surroundings and distracted by other stories or people or places, I'm not sure what I need to snap out of this silence. I'm unnerved by the fact that I feel like I'm neither here nor there, not fully present in conversations as thoughts whisk me to other places and reality snaps me back.
It's been raining lately, patches of torrential downpour and moments of gloomy grey sky. I'm enraptured by it, the noise and the feel of it... I've danced in it already, and I'm still cold and shivering. A moment of brief respite from my mind, though a few minutes of spinning around like a madwoman possessed by some undeniable urge to be strange for no apparent reason. Cold and shivering with rain battering me, it was easy to feel small and forgettable for a little bit. Unfortunately, this foolishness, though not regretted, was only a momentary escape before my mind closed around me again and I found myself at a standstill.
Sometimes, in moments like that, I believe that I shouldn't be around people at all. Like the presence of people I barely know but already know too well (it's a strange contradiction) makes the fact that I'm silently lost less legitimate and more like a show of my inability to decide how I should act or what I need to be doing.
These are scattered thoughts, but I'm thinking in terms of rainstorms, ideas and judgements and my own uncertainty... leaves tracked in by feet, unnoticed until they are scattered across your floor. I'll just keep dancing around in circles, embracing the rain until the world is a blur and my mind has settled.
A demain!
-Aly
So, I'm back at school now, and for once I'm alone in my room with my thoughts. It's weird... it seems to quiet and lonely in here without the companionship of my friends.
Today, I seem to have retreated into my own mind a bit. Caught in my own analysis of my surroundings and distracted by other stories or people or places, I'm not sure what I need to snap out of this silence. I'm unnerved by the fact that I feel like I'm neither here nor there, not fully present in conversations as thoughts whisk me to other places and reality snaps me back.
It's been raining lately, patches of torrential downpour and moments of gloomy grey sky. I'm enraptured by it, the noise and the feel of it... I've danced in it already, and I'm still cold and shivering. A moment of brief respite from my mind, though a few minutes of spinning around like a madwoman possessed by some undeniable urge to be strange for no apparent reason. Cold and shivering with rain battering me, it was easy to feel small and forgettable for a little bit. Unfortunately, this foolishness, though not regretted, was only a momentary escape before my mind closed around me again and I found myself at a standstill.
Sometimes, in moments like that, I believe that I shouldn't be around people at all. Like the presence of people I barely know but already know too well (it's a strange contradiction) makes the fact that I'm silently lost less legitimate and more like a show of my inability to decide how I should act or what I need to be doing.
These are scattered thoughts, but I'm thinking in terms of rainstorms, ideas and judgements and my own uncertainty... leaves tracked in by feet, unnoticed until they are scattered across your floor. I'll just keep dancing around in circles, embracing the rain until the world is a blur and my mind has settled.
A demain!
-Aly
Lacking Words
Hello, all!
Lacking words to describe today, or any deep revelations to share, I leave you with a few scattered thoughts.
This weekend felt like summer, prolonged.
Repetition of familiar trails isn't always bad; the familiarity is comforting.
Sometimes the best quotes are the ones that are embarrassing.
Moments between friends when seen by an almost-stranger are incredibly awkward.
It's hard to explain some things and still sound sane.
Goodnight!
A demain.
-Aly
Lacking words to describe today, or any deep revelations to share, I leave you with a few scattered thoughts.
This weekend felt like summer, prolonged.
Repetition of familiar trails isn't always bad; the familiarity is comforting.
Sometimes the best quotes are the ones that are embarrassing.
Moments between friends when seen by an almost-stranger are incredibly awkward.
It's hard to explain some things and still sound sane.
Goodnight!
A demain.
-Aly
Sunday, September 4, 2011
New and Old
Here is where the new and the old collide. Here is where there is only the unknown, and the possibility of a shift. Here, on this treacherous crevice of choices, I hesitate and wonder if I have the courage to jump off the edge or if I will simply fall backwards and trust the solidity of solid ground.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Fears and Promises
Hello, all!
So this has been bothering me all day, and I'm writing about it so that I can stop thinking about it and actually focus.
I have lots of fears. Small fears, and probably irrational ones, but they're ones that continually make sense in the context of my life. Basically, I fear dramatic change that could end in me losing people that are important to me. I could elaborate much more on that, but I'd rather not.
This is partially because I'll be going to visit UNC-Asheville again on Friday, and since that's where I'll be going to college next year (unless something changes within the next month, which is unlikely but still...). Going up to Asheville again for the first of the many orientation-type sessions is like admitting to myself that high school is ending and my life is going to change very DRAMATICALLY, and much sooner than I'm prepared for.
It's scary. I mean, it's awesome and I'm excited, but I'm also terrified. The same old fears, the ones that show up every time you're thrust into a situation where you'll be meeting lots of strangers and what-if-I-make-a-fool-of-myself, what-if-nobody-likes-me, what-if-I-become-cripplingly-socially-awkward, what-if-I-get-lost... and there are so many more. Irrational fears. Silly fears, as though my brain has been transported back to the beginning of middle school or something equally traumatizing.
I can't get rid of them, though. I can't help but be anxious about these minuscule, potential problems. Because these are the small ones, the ones that I'm okay with voicing, and they don't even touch on the larger issues, being that MY LIFE IS CHANGING AND I AM WORRIED. I guess that's the easiest way to say it for now. I want to remind myself of things that I will remember to do, or at least, things I don't want myself to do. Promises, in a way, to myself, ways I want my life to be now and in the future.
I promise that I will not:
I'm giving myself the freedom to change my life whenever I want to. I'm not afraid of my fears (thanks, FDR... *nerd jokes*), and I'll try to understand myself and my choices. I'll try to embrace change and choose the best path. And if I mess up, I'm going to try my hardest to correct it, rather than dwelling on it.
I can make these promises now and hopefully I'll remember them later, and if I don't, somebody will hopefully be around to remind me. (Thanks in advance! :))
So... what are your fears? What promises do you want to make to yourself?
-Aly
P.S. Thanks for reading, as always! Even more thanks for the comments on my last post-- everybody was so encouraging and understanding. Love to all of you. <3
So this has been bothering me all day, and I'm writing about it so that I can stop thinking about it and actually focus.
I have lots of fears. Small fears, and probably irrational ones, but they're ones that continually make sense in the context of my life. Basically, I fear dramatic change that could end in me losing people that are important to me. I could elaborate much more on that, but I'd rather not.
This is partially because I'll be going to visit UNC-Asheville again on Friday, and since that's where I'll be going to college next year (unless something changes within the next month, which is unlikely but still...). Going up to Asheville again for the first of the many orientation-type sessions is like admitting to myself that high school is ending and my life is going to change very DRAMATICALLY, and much sooner than I'm prepared for.
It's scary. I mean, it's awesome and I'm excited, but I'm also terrified. The same old fears, the ones that show up every time you're thrust into a situation where you'll be meeting lots of strangers and what-if-I-make-a-fool-of-myself, what-if-nobody-likes-me, what-if-I-become-cripplingly-socially-awkward, what-if-I-get-lost... and there are so many more. Irrational fears. Silly fears, as though my brain has been transported back to the beginning of middle school or something equally traumatizing.
I can't get rid of them, though. I can't help but be anxious about these minuscule, potential problems. Because these are the small ones, the ones that I'm okay with voicing, and they don't even touch on the larger issues, being that MY LIFE IS CHANGING AND I AM WORRIED. I guess that's the easiest way to say it for now. I want to remind myself of things that I will remember to do, or at least, things I don't want myself to do. Promises, in a way, to myself, ways I want my life to be now and in the future.
I promise that I will not:
- Forget about my close friends that I have now.
- Let people think of me as an object or take advantage of me.
- Lose my morals.
- Follow blindly.
- Have a closed mind.
- Be afraid of new situations or opportunities.
- Put myself into situations that I know are dangerous.
- Abuse my body.
- Shut myself off from the world.
- Be afraid to make change in my life. (Even if it scares me.)
- Pretend to be somebody I'm not.
- Forget my dreams & ambitions.
- Be open to new friendships.
- Explore.
- Fill my life with things that make me happy.
- Focus on others, not just myself.
- Be honest with myself.
- Treat the earth with respect.
- Be kind.
- Remember how it feels to do something new and exciting.
- Be confident.
- Admit my faults... and try to change them.
- Ask forgiveness when I need to.
- Make positive decisions.
- Choose the life I want. (And not regret it.)
I'm giving myself the freedom to change my life whenever I want to. I'm not afraid of my fears (thanks, FDR... *nerd jokes*), and I'll try to understand myself and my choices. I'll try to embrace change and choose the best path. And if I mess up, I'm going to try my hardest to correct it, rather than dwelling on it.
I can make these promises now and hopefully I'll remember them later, and if I don't, somebody will hopefully be around to remind me. (Thanks in advance! :))
So... what are your fears? What promises do you want to make to yourself?
-Aly
P.S. Thanks for reading, as always! Even more thanks for the comments on my last post-- everybody was so encouraging and understanding. Love to all of you. <3
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
February Round-up!
Hello, all!
I just blogged every day for the month of February. If you missed one of the posts, here's the list here!
Feb. 1st: Return to Middle School-- musings about who I am now versus who I was in middle school & the passage of time.
Feb. 2nd: Forgotten Posts-- a list of things I had written about in the past that I had forgotten to publish.
Feb. 3rd: Guest Post: Claire on Music -- Claire talks about music and learning to play instruments.
Feb. 4th: The Seven Stages of Procrastination -- a short list about how I go about procrastination.
Feb. 5th: A Barely-Golden Sky -- a short narrative inspired by a picture.
Feb. 6th: Super Bowl Sunday -- where I reveal how I spent my day. (This one is really insignificant.)
Feb. 7th: That Kind of Day -- a day when everything felt odd and I once again retreated to the library.
Feb. 8th: Warning: (Religion) Rant Ahead -- exactly what it sounds like.
Feb. 9th: The Math Class Narrative -- where I share a narrative I wrote about my math class.
Feb. 10th: Wrock Concert -- where I reveal what I was actually doing on February 9th, and share a wizard rock song.
Feb. 11th: Five-ish Friday Links -- where I share links to sites I spend way too much time on, and things you should know about.
Feb. 12th: Secret Project! -- a short post about how I spent my day sewing, though I have yet to actually finish the video I promise in the post... whoops... (This one is insignificant, too.)
Feb. 13th: Lost Ideas -- musings about inspiration folders and ideas that we lose.
Feb. 14th: Happy I'm-Single-On-Valentine's Day -- where I talk about love, just not the romantic kind, and why I like Valentine's Day... and write a list of people ten people I love.
Feb. 15th: An Excerpt from the Locket -- I share an excerpt from my 2010 NaNoWriMo novel.
Feb. 16th: Balance -- musings about my New Year's Resolutions, how to prioritize, and my inability to do so.
Feb. 17th: Incoherent Poetry -- a short poem that describes my day.
Feb. 18th: Feminism -- where I rant about what I think feminism means.
Feb. 19th: Simplicity -- an even shorter, incredibly simple poem.
Feb. 20th: To New Readers & Old -- where I thank you for reading, and reveal that I have no idea what this blog is anymore.
Feb. 21st: The Inevitability of Death -- musings about death & our fear of it.
Feb. 22nd: The Senses -- where I talk about the senses, sight, and perception.
Feb. 23rd: Highway -- I find a poem I wrote in 2009 and share it.
Feb. 24th: An Unsurprising Confession -- where I reveal my love for Shakespeare.
Feb. 25th: 100 Happy Things -- in honor of my 100th blog post, I write a list of 100 things to be happy about.
Feb. 26th: Out of my Comfort Zone -- I blog after an awkward dance and muse about trying new things.
Feb. 27th: Mindless Reading -- where I share my shameless pleasure of reading books that don't require me to think.
Feb. 28th: Nearly March -- where I unveil the new blog design, talk about what to expect, and ask you what you want me to blog about!
Well, happy March, everybody! I'm glad you stuck around for NaBloPoMo, and if you're a blogger, you should definitely consider doing it some month-- I promise, it's not nearly as scary as NaNoWriMo!
Question for today:
- What was your favorite post from this past month? Why?
(Mine, in case you're wondering, is the 100 Happy Things.)
A demain for the FFB event! :)
-Aly
I just blogged every day for the month of February. If you missed one of the posts, here's the list here!
Feb. 1st: Return to Middle School-- musings about who I am now versus who I was in middle school & the passage of time.
Feb. 2nd: Forgotten Posts-- a list of things I had written about in the past that I had forgotten to publish.
Feb. 3rd: Guest Post: Claire on Music -- Claire talks about music and learning to play instruments.
Feb. 4th: The Seven Stages of Procrastination -- a short list about how I go about procrastination.
Feb. 5th: A Barely-Golden Sky -- a short narrative inspired by a picture.
Feb. 6th: Super Bowl Sunday -- where I reveal how I spent my day. (This one is really insignificant.)
Feb. 7th: That Kind of Day -- a day when everything felt odd and I once again retreated to the library.
Feb. 8th: Warning: (Religion) Rant Ahead -- exactly what it sounds like.
Feb. 9th: The Math Class Narrative -- where I share a narrative I wrote about my math class.
Feb. 10th: Wrock Concert -- where I reveal what I was actually doing on February 9th, and share a wizard rock song.
Feb. 11th: Five-ish Friday Links -- where I share links to sites I spend way too much time on, and things you should know about.
Feb. 12th: Secret Project! -- a short post about how I spent my day sewing, though I have yet to actually finish the video I promise in the post... whoops... (This one is insignificant, too.)
Feb. 13th: Lost Ideas -- musings about inspiration folders and ideas that we lose.
Feb. 14th: Happy I'm-Single-On-Valentine's Day -- where I talk about love, just not the romantic kind, and why I like Valentine's Day... and write a list of people ten people I love.
Feb. 15th: An Excerpt from the Locket -- I share an excerpt from my 2010 NaNoWriMo novel.
Feb. 16th: Balance -- musings about my New Year's Resolutions, how to prioritize, and my inability to do so.
Feb. 17th: Incoherent Poetry -- a short poem that describes my day.
Feb. 18th: Feminism -- where I rant about what I think feminism means.
Feb. 19th: Simplicity -- an even shorter, incredibly simple poem.
Feb. 20th: To New Readers & Old -- where I thank you for reading, and reveal that I have no idea what this blog is anymore.
Feb. 21st: The Inevitability of Death -- musings about death & our fear of it.
Feb. 22nd: The Senses -- where I talk about the senses, sight, and perception.
Feb. 23rd: Highway -- I find a poem I wrote in 2009 and share it.
Feb. 24th: An Unsurprising Confession -- where I reveal my love for Shakespeare.
Feb. 25th: 100 Happy Things -- in honor of my 100th blog post, I write a list of 100 things to be happy about.
Feb. 26th: Out of my Comfort Zone -- I blog after an awkward dance and muse about trying new things.
Feb. 27th: Mindless Reading -- where I share my shameless pleasure of reading books that don't require me to think.
Feb. 28th: Nearly March -- where I unveil the new blog design, talk about what to expect, and ask you what you want me to blog about!
Well, happy March, everybody! I'm glad you stuck around for NaBloPoMo, and if you're a blogger, you should definitely consider doing it some month-- I promise, it's not nearly as scary as NaNoWriMo!
Question for today:
- What was your favorite post from this past month? Why?
(Mine, in case you're wondering, is the 100 Happy Things.)
A demain for the FFB event! :)
-Aly
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
The Senses
Hello, all!
I went to the hospital today to visit a friend that was recently in a car crash and is now recovering. He's partially blind in one eye now, and I can't help but think about sight. Not just the physical ability to see, but to "see" as in to understand, and of course the different ways in which we see each other.
Has anybody ever asked you which you would prefer-- to be blind or to be unable to hear? What about speaking? I still don't know how to answer that. I rely on my eyes; beautiful images inspire me, but I love music and the sound of voices. And honestly, I talk too much.
It's weird though, to think about how we take such things for granted-- the senses that build our world. I can't imagine living without one or the other; it is hard to imagine how my vision of the world would change with my ability to experience it in so many different ways. How would it be to be deprived of one of those senses? Would the world change dramatically? Would you miss the sense that you lost? Would your perception of yourself change?
That's the other question I have about sight. We all see the world differently, of course, but literally-- what is the difference? We don't have a way to tell. Do you ever wonder about how other people see you? Or the ways that you see other people? Do you see them clearly? Are the colors the same, the faces? How does that differ from how we see ourselves? I mean, not just physically-- when we are looking at others, do we perceive them as their physical selves or as something else? Do we see them through rose-tinted glass?
Are we capable of viewing people objectively?
I always wonder how people see me. I know well enough how I see myself and though I shouldn't care about what others think, I'm honestly curious about the way they perceive me. What am I to the people around me? To friends, acquaintances, family...?
Are our perceptions of people locked or do they change?
I think our perceptions can change, as our eyesight does. But as our eyes grow weaker with age, do we see better or worse than we did when we were younger, at least in the figurative sense? How would we perceive others if we could only "see" them through a certain sense?
Do we associate particular senses with particular people? Like, when we think of friends, or we notice something about somebody that is customary to somebody else, how do we associate it? (That didn't make sense. ... ha, punny.) For example, do you associate the scent of a person most with them or their voice? How do all of the senses come into play when we "see" somebody?
I wonder sometimes if I am seeing the world in a way that is clear-- do I see the people around me as blurry lines, or do I see them like I would characters in a novel? How does my perception of people interact with their reality and their perception of me?
I guess I'm trying to say that sight is complicated. "Seeing" physically and perceiving are different from each other, and even then, everything is skewed. Our senses allow us to "see" people, but we could be misunderstanding.
Sorry about the fifty million questions in this. If you have your own answer for any of them, I'd love to hear! (HA.)
Also, sorry about all the puns. :)
A demain!
-Aly
I went to the hospital today to visit a friend that was recently in a car crash and is now recovering. He's partially blind in one eye now, and I can't help but think about sight. Not just the physical ability to see, but to "see" as in to understand, and of course the different ways in which we see each other.
Has anybody ever asked you which you would prefer-- to be blind or to be unable to hear? What about speaking? I still don't know how to answer that. I rely on my eyes; beautiful images inspire me, but I love music and the sound of voices. And honestly, I talk too much.
It's weird though, to think about how we take such things for granted-- the senses that build our world. I can't imagine living without one or the other; it is hard to imagine how my vision of the world would change with my ability to experience it in so many different ways. How would it be to be deprived of one of those senses? Would the world change dramatically? Would you miss the sense that you lost? Would your perception of yourself change?
That's the other question I have about sight. We all see the world differently, of course, but literally-- what is the difference? We don't have a way to tell. Do you ever wonder about how other people see you? Or the ways that you see other people? Do you see them clearly? Are the colors the same, the faces? How does that differ from how we see ourselves? I mean, not just physically-- when we are looking at others, do we perceive them as their physical selves or as something else? Do we see them through rose-tinted glass?
Are we capable of viewing people objectively?
I always wonder how people see me. I know well enough how I see myself and though I shouldn't care about what others think, I'm honestly curious about the way they perceive me. What am I to the people around me? To friends, acquaintances, family...?
Are our perceptions of people locked or do they change?
I think our perceptions can change, as our eyesight does. But as our eyes grow weaker with age, do we see better or worse than we did when we were younger, at least in the figurative sense? How would we perceive others if we could only "see" them through a certain sense?
Do we associate particular senses with particular people? Like, when we think of friends, or we notice something about somebody that is customary to somebody else, how do we associate it? (That didn't make sense. ... ha, punny.) For example, do you associate the scent of a person most with them or their voice? How do all of the senses come into play when we "see" somebody?
I wonder sometimes if I am seeing the world in a way that is clear-- do I see the people around me as blurry lines, or do I see them like I would characters in a novel? How does my perception of people interact with their reality and their perception of me?
I guess I'm trying to say that sight is complicated. "Seeing" physically and perceiving are different from each other, and even then, everything is skewed. Our senses allow us to "see" people, but we could be misunderstanding.
Sorry about the fifty million questions in this. If you have your own answer for any of them, I'd love to hear! (HA.)
Also, sorry about all the puns. :)
A demain!
-Aly
Monday, February 21, 2011
The Inevitability of Death
Hello, all!
I have lots of thoughts in my head again today. I have songs that are reminding me of emotions and provoking thoughts, images that are causing me to dream, videos that are making me think, words that are spilling from crevices in my brain.
Did you ever realize how many poems and books are dedicated to the message that death is inevitable? Why is it?
I can only imagine that our fascination with death comes from our fear of it. Death is terrifying, the idea that all things end is an unpleasant truth. It's hard to think of loss, the void created by losing friends or losing yourself-- of everything you are familiar with coming to an end. There are so many things about death to be afraid of and to wonder about. The afterlife or lack thereof; what is it like, if it exists? How will we each die? What will our legacy be?
The other day my friend Kimm said, "In the end, the dates on your headstone will not be what matters-- the dash between them will be." If you take that literally, then it really says nothing important, but I understand what Kimm is trying to say: it isn't our death that matters, but the span of our lives. Even if our lives are cut short by one thing or another (there are far too many possibilities), what matters most is what we did with that life.
I think we're foolish to dwell on death the way we do. Death is coming, yes; everything is in the process of dying. It's depressing and overwhelming, but true. I think our problem (if it's even a problem at all) is that we only KNOW life. I mean, we know it as much as something unpredictable and illogical, but we enjoy LIVING.
I keep thinking about how many characters in literature seem to have this same fascination with death and dying. Think of Hamlet and Frankenstein. Voldemort. Classics and modern literature alike, characters frequently seem preoccupied with death-- or how to avoid it. How to become immortal in some way. Immortality is our poison, our addiction: the idea of living forever. Maybe it is because we think immortality is the same as power, or maybe we are just obsessed with the idea that we can avoid the Great Perhaps of death. (Looking for Alaska reference)
Maybe when we think about death, we think of how we aren't ready for death. What if we're NEVER ready? What then? Will we be okay with letting go of life?
I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing-- to be frightened by death. I think the reason it's so present in literature is because we can all relate; we know what it is like to think about it and to want to avoid it or to wonder about the value of our own lives. It's humbling and it's terrifying, but it reminds us to live-- to seek out whatever it is in life that will make us feel like our time here is valuable. One day we will seek a Great Perhaps, even if we're reluctant. But life is our first adventure.
Once again, I deviated from my point. I'm getting really bad about that...
(On the bright side, it's sort of relevant to the theme of character! :) )
A demain!
-Aly
I have lots of thoughts in my head again today. I have songs that are reminding me of emotions and provoking thoughts, images that are causing me to dream, videos that are making me think, words that are spilling from crevices in my brain.
Did you ever realize how many poems and books are dedicated to the message that death is inevitable? Why is it?
I can only imagine that our fascination with death comes from our fear of it. Death is terrifying, the idea that all things end is an unpleasant truth. It's hard to think of loss, the void created by losing friends or losing yourself-- of everything you are familiar with coming to an end. There are so many things about death to be afraid of and to wonder about. The afterlife or lack thereof; what is it like, if it exists? How will we each die? What will our legacy be?
The other day my friend Kimm said, "In the end, the dates on your headstone will not be what matters-- the dash between them will be." If you take that literally, then it really says nothing important, but I understand what Kimm is trying to say: it isn't our death that matters, but the span of our lives. Even if our lives are cut short by one thing or another (there are far too many possibilities), what matters most is what we did with that life.
I think we're foolish to dwell on death the way we do. Death is coming, yes; everything is in the process of dying. It's depressing and overwhelming, but true. I think our problem (if it's even a problem at all) is that we only KNOW life. I mean, we know it as much as something unpredictable and illogical, but we enjoy LIVING.
I keep thinking about how many characters in literature seem to have this same fascination with death and dying. Think of Hamlet and Frankenstein. Voldemort. Classics and modern literature alike, characters frequently seem preoccupied with death-- or how to avoid it. How to become immortal in some way. Immortality is our poison, our addiction: the idea of living forever. Maybe it is because we think immortality is the same as power, or maybe we are just obsessed with the idea that we can avoid the Great Perhaps of death. (Looking for Alaska reference)
Maybe when we think about death, we think of how we aren't ready for death. What if we're NEVER ready? What then? Will we be okay with letting go of life?
I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing-- to be frightened by death. I think the reason it's so present in literature is because we can all relate; we know what it is like to think about it and to want to avoid it or to wonder about the value of our own lives. It's humbling and it's terrifying, but it reminds us to live-- to seek out whatever it is in life that will make us feel like our time here is valuable. One day we will seek a Great Perhaps, even if we're reluctant. But life is our first adventure.
Once again, I deviated from my point. I'm getting really bad about that...
(On the bright side, it's sort of relevant to the theme of character! :) )
A demain!
-Aly
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Balance
Hello, all!
I was planning on writing a blog post about feminism today, but that is temporarily delayed because other things came to mind today.
Do you remember my New Year's resolutions?
Well, if you don't, one of them was to find balance in my life. I'm learning that this is REALLY DIFFICULT. I mean, seriously! This week more than ever, I'm realizing how badly I need to find balance and how hard it is to find it. I am a teeter totter, never quite equal, always leaning to one side or the other. Or scales. I don't know, choose a metaphor. Balance beam, teetering gymnast. Possibilities are endless but what it all boils down to is that I am currently incapable of keeping my life in any sort of equilibrium.
This week, it feels like I'm being pulled in all directions. I'm trying to sort out my suddenly very complicated and backwards social life, apply to Important College-y Things, work hard on school stuff, starting track, blogging, trying to figure out plans for this weekend, trying to figure out what to do for my friend in the hospital and when I can visit, and attempting to have enough time to sleep, eat, and talk to my family. EVERYTHING is being thrown at me at once, and while most of it isn't bad, I don't know how to handle all of it at once.
How am I supposed to pick priorities? I mean, obviously, some things are more important than others, but some things I want to do more than I want to do others. What should be most important, the needs or the wants? The needs, traditionally, but where does one find value in life? In doing what MUST be done or by doing what you WANT to do?
I mean, I know the "right" answer to that. Needs, obviously. Basics. But nothing in life is really basic (other than food/water/shelter, but let's be honest here, those are not overwhelming me right now). Basics are not a problem for me. Sleep is a basic, too, but that doesn't end up being a priority. I can function on five hours of sleep, but I'd rather not. So sleep is sacrificed. School is a Need, because education is important and school matters enough to my idea of success that I can't allow myself NOT to do it. But the homework is time-consuming, and there's that one class (math) where I struggle endlessly, and it feels fruitless. I'm not deriving (ha, punny!) any pleasure from doing the work that I don't fully understand, despite paying attention and taking notes. The homework feels endless and it's frustrating. Is that a priority? Work harder, until I understand? (Well, that's what I'm trying to do, anyway.)
I consider family and friends to be important. I mean, I like having dinner with my mom (and my brother when he's around/if he comes upstairs), and talking a bit. But lately I feel like I'm home far too often, and never see my friends. My social life is in a state of flux as I try to figure out what's going on with whom and where my relationships with different friends are at right now. And now time is eaten up by track and I find myself exhausted and sore, confined to a set schedule, the same old thing, monotonously repeated every day. Wake up, finish homework (I'm a night person but I focus best in daylight. I make no sense.), go to school, go to track, come home. There's no room for adventure when time is cut into slices that must occur in perfect order.
The thing about balance is that it's orderly and I am typically a mess. I'm disorganized and forgetful, a procrastinator (sometimes to the extreme). I'm terrible at prioritizing and choosing Important Things over my own interests (I'd much rather learn something I want to learn than work on something I don't want to do). Maybe I cling to what was too much, unable to move on or separate what's happening now to what I'm used to. Am I resistant to change? That's a different question entirely, but the point is that I am finding it incredibly difficult to balance my life as is and my life as I want it to be. There's no way to do everything I want or to be the best at everything, but at the moment, I'm not even sure where to start. I have ideas, sure, and I'm working on it.
Balance is elusive and difficult, something I think that not many people are good at. That's why it's one of my resolutions or goals or whatever they are for this year-- I want to change that in myself. My fear is that it will be impossible to change though.
So I'll start with this, the acknowledgment that balance can only ever be temporarily. Things shift and change and the balance is thrown off; I can only move in the opposite direction and see if I can get it just right.
A demain!
-Aly
I was planning on writing a blog post about feminism today, but that is temporarily delayed because other things came to mind today.
Do you remember my New Year's resolutions?
Well, if you don't, one of them was to find balance in my life. I'm learning that this is REALLY DIFFICULT. I mean, seriously! This week more than ever, I'm realizing how badly I need to find balance and how hard it is to find it. I am a teeter totter, never quite equal, always leaning to one side or the other. Or scales. I don't know, choose a metaphor. Balance beam, teetering gymnast. Possibilities are endless but what it all boils down to is that I am currently incapable of keeping my life in any sort of equilibrium.
This week, it feels like I'm being pulled in all directions. I'm trying to sort out my suddenly very complicated and backwards social life, apply to Important College-y Things, work hard on school stuff, starting track, blogging, trying to figure out plans for this weekend, trying to figure out what to do for my friend in the hospital and when I can visit, and attempting to have enough time to sleep, eat, and talk to my family. EVERYTHING is being thrown at me at once, and while most of it isn't bad, I don't know how to handle all of it at once.
How am I supposed to pick priorities? I mean, obviously, some things are more important than others, but some things I want to do more than I want to do others. What should be most important, the needs or the wants? The needs, traditionally, but where does one find value in life? In doing what MUST be done or by doing what you WANT to do?
I mean, I know the "right" answer to that. Needs, obviously. Basics. But nothing in life is really basic (other than food/water/shelter, but let's be honest here, those are not overwhelming me right now). Basics are not a problem for me. Sleep is a basic, too, but that doesn't end up being a priority. I can function on five hours of sleep, but I'd rather not. So sleep is sacrificed. School is a Need, because education is important and school matters enough to my idea of success that I can't allow myself NOT to do it. But the homework is time-consuming, and there's that one class (math) where I struggle endlessly, and it feels fruitless. I'm not deriving (ha, punny!) any pleasure from doing the work that I don't fully understand, despite paying attention and taking notes. The homework feels endless and it's frustrating. Is that a priority? Work harder, until I understand? (Well, that's what I'm trying to do, anyway.)
I consider family and friends to be important. I mean, I like having dinner with my mom (and my brother when he's around/if he comes upstairs), and talking a bit. But lately I feel like I'm home far too often, and never see my friends. My social life is in a state of flux as I try to figure out what's going on with whom and where my relationships with different friends are at right now. And now time is eaten up by track and I find myself exhausted and sore, confined to a set schedule, the same old thing, monotonously repeated every day. Wake up, finish homework (I'm a night person but I focus best in daylight. I make no sense.), go to school, go to track, come home. There's no room for adventure when time is cut into slices that must occur in perfect order.
The thing about balance is that it's orderly and I am typically a mess. I'm disorganized and forgetful, a procrastinator (sometimes to the extreme). I'm terrible at prioritizing and choosing Important Things over my own interests (I'd much rather learn something I want to learn than work on something I don't want to do). Maybe I cling to what was too much, unable to move on or separate what's happening now to what I'm used to. Am I resistant to change? That's a different question entirely, but the point is that I am finding it incredibly difficult to balance my life as is and my life as I want it to be. There's no way to do everything I want or to be the best at everything, but at the moment, I'm not even sure where to start. I have ideas, sure, and I'm working on it.
Balance is elusive and difficult, something I think that not many people are good at. That's why it's one of my resolutions or goals or whatever they are for this year-- I want to change that in myself. My fear is that it will be impossible to change though.
So I'll start with this, the acknowledgment that balance can only ever be temporarily. Things shift and change and the balance is thrown off; I can only move in the opposite direction and see if I can get it just right.
A demain!
-Aly
Monday, February 14, 2011
Happy I'm-Single-On-Valentine's Day
Hello, all!
Happy Valentine's Day, for those of you that find such holidays important. I like it for the chocolate, and all the lovey-dovey stuff is cute, if sometimes excessive. Oh well.
Happy Valentine's Day, for those of you that find such holidays important. I like it for the chocolate, and all the lovey-dovey stuff is cute, if sometimes excessive. Oh well.
Valentine’s Day is a day where we honor love. The thing is, we sometimes forget that love isn’t just the romantic kind of love. It’s the love you have for your best friends, for your family… and we lose that sometimes.
So, yeah. I’m single on Valentine’s Day, but that doesn’t mean that I’m without love. I have friends and family that care about me, people that I really don’t know what I would do without. There are people that have given me valentines today, even though I didn’t expect it and they did it as friends. They get it. They see that Valentine’s Day is just a day of love. And although the argument could be made that Valentine’s day is a purely corporate holiday that manipulates people into spending money on worthless things (I definitely agree with your point, I mean… all the hearts have been all over the place since after Christmas…), but I like it. (I especially like the abundance of chocolate.)
I don’t really care if I’m single on Valentine’s Day. I’ve all of my life being single (except of that month-and-some and those silly “relationships” when I was really young), and I don’t wish for a Valentine. I’m okay with spending today with friends (even if that means that we complain a bit about the single-on-Valentine’s thing) because there are much bigger things to worry about than whether or not I’m “in love” or whatever. I’m not rushed to fall in love. But I like the sentiment of Valentine’s day, at least in the understanding of an appreciate for love.
Maybe it’s just because I’m a romantic. I think love is beautiful, but at the same time… I think all kinds and forms of love are beautiful (though not the creepy-stalker/Edward Cullen kind).
My main complaint with this day is that we have a tendency to categorize it as only a thing for couples. So, if you’re single on Valentine’s Day, well… me too. And plenty of other people are in the same boat. Tell the people you love that you love them (you should do that most days anyway), and enjoy the one day of the year dedicated to a beautiful emotion.
And finally, because it’s Valentine’s Day… a list! Ten people I love (without names, because I don't want anybody to be offended if they're not on the list. It doesn't mean I don't love you!). (Because I’m sappy.)
-
(La Bande) Vous etiez mes mellieurs amis quand j’etais en France. Je pense souvent a vous, de nos jours passee sous le soliel a midi, a Ville Aurelienne, en centre-ville et dans les cours. Je pense de nos blagues, les chansons (et les danses!), tous mes memoires de vous. Je reflechis sur mon temps en France et je realise, si je n’avais pas les amis comme vous, je n’aurais jamais survivrais. Sans vous, je suis deconnecte sur MSN et je parle jamais en francais. Vous me manquez. <3
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You would probably be surprised if you knew you were on this list. The good news is that you rarely read my blog. I think you’re an incredibly interesting person, and I’m very lucky to know you (even if I don’t always understand you). I’m glad that you trust me, because though I don’t talk to you often on a regular basis, I still consider you one of my best friends. I try to remind you every now and again that I care about you (not in a romantic way), but I think you forget. Try to remember that I’m here for you, and that I am a friend, even if I’m sometimes distant.
-
I’ve only truly become close to you this year, and I realize how unfortunate that is. I love hanging out with you and going on random adventures (even if they don’t always end well), and I’m glad that we’ve been making a point to hang out more. I’m glad that I can call you friend, and that you understand my weird obsessions and listen to my unnecessarily long rants. Your nearly-constant Skype presence always seems to ensure I’ll have somebody to talk to. Also, thanks for the poem. You’re the best.
-
I have no idea when you became one of my best friends. I really have no clue. It’s like you just appeared in my life and BOOM! We were friends. It’s only been this year that we’ve gotten fairly close and you’ve shared some of your secrets with me. I worry about you, probably unnecessarily (you know how to take care of yourself), but I can’t help it. It’s hard to see that you’re struggling, but I hope you realize that you have somebody around that cares.
-
Sometimes I think I don’t get you at all anymore. You’ve fallen almost completely out of my life, except for those brief moments where we fall back into old habits. We’ve long since broken those habits, but it’s nice to pretend for a moment that I tell you everything and our conversation will never end. And even though I’m sometimes mean to you for no apparent reason, I hope you realize that I do miss having you around. We really need to follow through on the plans we keep trying and failing to make, because I haven’t talked to you in far too long.
-
I know you only hear from me periodically, but I promise it’s nothing planned. I just forget. I get carried away by the internet and life and everything that is going on here. You live so far away that it’s almost too easy to forget about you, to get caught up in HERE rather than ask about your life. I know I’m going to regret it, not saying enough as often as I should, but I hope you know that despite my silence, I’m incredibly grateful for everything you’ve done for me over the years and that I love you.
-
Sometimes I think that I’ve lost you completely. I mean, that’s not entirely a bad thing—being independent of others is good, right?—but I do miss having you around CONSTANTLY. It’s kind of strange to be here and you NOT being around. I keep expecting that you will just be there at any moment and always have the answer to whatever it is that’s on my mind. And although we’ve lost some of our closeness, I know that it is impossible for me to lose you. You’ll always understand me incredibly well, even if you don’t always understand me best.
-
I know what you think of me. I know what you expect from me and who you think I am, but I don’t always agree. I can’t be who you want me to be, and I don’t expect you to fulfill a role that you can’t fulfill, either. That wouldn’t be fair. The thing is, despite our frequent disagreements on far too many topics, I still love you. I’m incredibly thankful for all the things you’ve done for me and I hope that you remember that when we’re arguing about something pointless again. You’ve influenced my life more than I want you to believe.
-
This list wouldn’t be complete without you on it. I mean, seriously. I may not talk to you as often as I like (that seems to be the case with a lot of people), but you know very well that leaving you off this list would be ignoring one of the people I care about most. Our conversations are the best, if less frequent than they used to be. I listen to what you have to say and I value your advice. You may be family, but you’re a friend, too. I’m glad I can trust you with as much as I do, and only wish that I lived closer to you so I could see you more often. There are so many adventures we should have, and I hope that we have a chance to have those adventures sometime. In the meantime, I’m just thankful that you care so much about me, too.
You’ve felt the full force of my sappy/rambly-ness before and seriously... I could probably top my own record. I love our random trips to Starbucks and the entirely ridiculous conversations we have. I think you’re brilliant, if insane (no offense, but you know it’s true). I never see you in the hallways, and our habitual hangouts have almost entirely died out. I know that you were probably annoyed about Valentine’s Day and being single (again), but once again, we prove that our lives are freakishly parallel. Thanks for listening and understanding my psycho-babble.
Well, as I finished THAT list, I realized that I could go on basically forever. I love so many people, and I realize that many of those could go for several people. Choose whichever one you want for yourself, and pretend I’m writing it to you. It’s possible that I am.
Anyway, to all the people I love (on this list or otherwise), thank you so much for everything. You’re amazing and I love you. Also, we should hang out/catch up/have adventures/make plans/send emails/etc. soon!
:)
A demain!
-Aly
P.S. A SONG. Which kind of inspired this. Well, this and John's vlogbrothers video (yes. I do spend too much time on youtube.)Sunday, February 13, 2011
Lost Ideas
Hello, all!
Well, yesterday's post was pretty much a fail. I'm working on additions to it right now, though, so video/pictures will be added in relatively soon.
Earlier, I was poking through my inspiration folder on my computer and through the inspiration notebooks that I have (yes. PLURAL.), and I realized that I have wayyyy too many half-baked ideas and random scraps of possibly-somethings that I really don't know what to do with them. I think they'll have a role at some point in SOMETHING I write, but what if they don't? I already have two unfinished novels that have at least 50,000 words to them, and quite a few others that never even made it to 2o pages. What of those? Are all those ideas lost because I never actually do anything with them?
Do you remember that awesome idea I had for a story a long while ago? The one where I started a blog for it and then wrote a few entries that were part of this bigger story and then promptly deleted because I felt idiotic? You probably don't. I kept it a secret.
Sometimes, I have these ideas for a story, or these thoughts that pop into my head but I really can't make sense of them. I don't know where they came from, or who said them, these random snatches of narrative and dialogue that I scribble down in the margins of papers and then later type or add to the notebook. I never know what will come of them, if anything at all. I just save them now, because far too many times I've had a story idea come to me and then I'd promise myself that I most definitely would remember it. But over the course of a day, those get lost. They wander from my brain, tumbling from my mind like Humpty Dumpty from his wall (... that was a strange analogy. I'm not very poetic today.).
They're all scraps. These words are scraps, these phrases of no more meaning than the paper cutouts children save, the ripped pieces of scribblings from coloring books or magazines or books. They're the unfiltered ramblings of my imagination. Sometimes I wonder if I'm right to save them, but most of the time, I delight in their unassuming nonsense. They mean nothing until I give them a place amongst other words. They are only words until I make them into a story, only inspirations until they form a true idea.
I really love collecting all the random babblings of my mind, to be honest. I love looking over things that I thought of but don't remember (see how that works?), the brain crack (phrase stolen from Hank Green) that I never follow through on. In the same way, I love collecting ideas and grand schemes for things that I can't do, or haven't yet done for some ridiculous reason. What is holding me back from them? Why can't I just DO whatever it is that I come up with? I mean, I'm good at excuses. That question was rhetorical.
Once again, I really don't know where I was going with this. Ideas. Inspirations. I collect them and seek them out, on the internet and real life, but sometimes they just... exist.
So... tell me, what ideas do you have? What ideas have you forgotten about? What are you going to do about them?
(Because I have an idea for what to do with some of these snatches of ideas. You'll see. Maybe. Hopefully. :) )
A demain!
-Aly
Well, yesterday's post was pretty much a fail. I'm working on additions to it right now, though, so video/pictures will be added in relatively soon.
Earlier, I was poking through my inspiration folder on my computer and through the inspiration notebooks that I have (yes. PLURAL.), and I realized that I have wayyyy too many half-baked ideas and random scraps of possibly-somethings that I really don't know what to do with them. I think they'll have a role at some point in SOMETHING I write, but what if they don't? I already have two unfinished novels that have at least 50,000 words to them, and quite a few others that never even made it to 2o pages. What of those? Are all those ideas lost because I never actually do anything with them?
Do you remember that awesome idea I had for a story a long while ago? The one where I started a blog for it and then wrote a few entries that were part of this bigger story and then promptly deleted because I felt idiotic? You probably don't. I kept it a secret.
Sometimes, I have these ideas for a story, or these thoughts that pop into my head but I really can't make sense of them. I don't know where they came from, or who said them, these random snatches of narrative and dialogue that I scribble down in the margins of papers and then later type or add to the notebook. I never know what will come of them, if anything at all. I just save them now, because far too many times I've had a story idea come to me and then I'd promise myself that I most definitely would remember it. But over the course of a day, those get lost. They wander from my brain, tumbling from my mind like Humpty Dumpty from his wall (... that was a strange analogy. I'm not very poetic today.).
They're all scraps. These words are scraps, these phrases of no more meaning than the paper cutouts children save, the ripped pieces of scribblings from coloring books or magazines or books. They're the unfiltered ramblings of my imagination. Sometimes I wonder if I'm right to save them, but most of the time, I delight in their unassuming nonsense. They mean nothing until I give them a place amongst other words. They are only words until I make them into a story, only inspirations until they form a true idea.
I really love collecting all the random babblings of my mind, to be honest. I love looking over things that I thought of but don't remember (see how that works?), the brain crack (phrase stolen from Hank Green) that I never follow through on. In the same way, I love collecting ideas and grand schemes for things that I can't do, or haven't yet done for some ridiculous reason. What is holding me back from them? Why can't I just DO whatever it is that I come up with? I mean, I'm good at excuses. That question was rhetorical.
Once again, I really don't know where I was going with this. Ideas. Inspirations. I collect them and seek them out, on the internet and real life, but sometimes they just... exist.
So... tell me, what ideas do you have? What ideas have you forgotten about? What are you going to do about them?
(Because I have an idea for what to do with some of these snatches of ideas. You'll see. Maybe. Hopefully. :) )
A demain!
-Aly
Monday, February 7, 2011
That Kind of Day
I feel lost today. The sky was grey, that peculiar shade that engulfs the sky, taunting of a looming storm. The air was still, scant breezes lazily wafting by, but I felt lost. There's something about this weekend and today that combined to make me feel heavy. The weight of some unknown settles into my stomach and I am disjointed from the world, as though the air is bending around me, never touching. I walk steadily and my feet seem to be too strong. My eyes won't close, and my mind won't focus. I think of nothing and everything.
There's a heaviness to my heart too-- not the actual organ, of course; physically I am fine. But I find my mind suddenly switching to French and images rise to my memory, floating behind my eyes and I recognize the emotion. I am lonely, profoundly so, missing "home", the home I knew last year, that comfortable place with friends I rarely have the chance to speak to. It's as though I am on French time and everybody else is here. My entire being is out of sync with everybody around me, dragging a moment behind or leaping too far forward. When I speak, it's as though my voice is a whisper and when I try again, it fades altogether, dropping silently to the floor where my companions cannot hear it.
The day is grey and gloomy; I am, too. I seek the sun, but notice that it has been stolen from even the places where I seek refuge. As though I truly am alone, forgotten, or pushed away. A simple question confuses me, and I wonder if the suggestion is a valid one. This emotion isn't like anger, it's haunting. Anger feels like burning and I feel like a shadow.
I move automatically, not knowing where to go but seeking the only solution I can find. The respite of silence and the creaking of an old building, the familiar scent of books. I belong here, a girl artfully ignored. I work silently, the keys clicking under my fingers, glancing up every now and again to see familiar faces across the room. They don't notice me, but I smile, knowing that if I stood up and wandered over, they would say hello with a smile and I would have the chance to talk about my day and seek some sort of comfort through kind words.
I don't seek that comfort though. In this moment, I am alone, and I accept that. I seek something besides people but I'm not sure what. The uneasiness in my heart makes the world seem heavier, even as the sun sets and stains the sky orange and pink, sweeping across the earth and onto me.
...
Today is that kind of day.
Sorry if that made no sense, I'm just rambling.
-Aly
There's a heaviness to my heart too-- not the actual organ, of course; physically I am fine. But I find my mind suddenly switching to French and images rise to my memory, floating behind my eyes and I recognize the emotion. I am lonely, profoundly so, missing "home", the home I knew last year, that comfortable place with friends I rarely have the chance to speak to. It's as though I am on French time and everybody else is here. My entire being is out of sync with everybody around me, dragging a moment behind or leaping too far forward. When I speak, it's as though my voice is a whisper and when I try again, it fades altogether, dropping silently to the floor where my companions cannot hear it.
The day is grey and gloomy; I am, too. I seek the sun, but notice that it has been stolen from even the places where I seek refuge. As though I truly am alone, forgotten, or pushed away. A simple question confuses me, and I wonder if the suggestion is a valid one. This emotion isn't like anger, it's haunting. Anger feels like burning and I feel like a shadow.
I move automatically, not knowing where to go but seeking the only solution I can find. The respite of silence and the creaking of an old building, the familiar scent of books. I belong here, a girl artfully ignored. I work silently, the keys clicking under my fingers, glancing up every now and again to see familiar faces across the room. They don't notice me, but I smile, knowing that if I stood up and wandered over, they would say hello with a smile and I would have the chance to talk about my day and seek some sort of comfort through kind words.
I don't seek that comfort though. In this moment, I am alone, and I accept that. I seek something besides people but I'm not sure what. The uneasiness in my heart makes the world seem heavier, even as the sun sets and stains the sky orange and pink, sweeping across the earth and onto me.
...
Today is that kind of day.
Sorry if that made no sense, I'm just rambling.
-Aly
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Guest Post: Claire on Music
Music
Yesterday I got the best thing ever in the mail: a ukulele. I was frustrated at first because I couldn’t seem to hit the right notes and form a coherent song, but after an hour or so, I learned a dozen chords or so and could stumble through “Somewhere over the Rainbow.” And, yes. I realized how cliché that is. But there was something about the music, the kind of pureness of the sound that made me stop worrying and just listen. The next time I looked at the clock, it was one o’clock in the morning.
Not that I’m saying it’s good to stay up late and play ukulele, but there is something about music, that even if you aren’t naturally musical, transfixes us and makes us forget our troubles. Maybe it’s just me ( I AM the only person I know of who walks down the hall at school singing show tunes in her head, and pretending she’s the heroine of her own personal musical,) but there is still something about music that brings us all together.
My dad owns an acoustic guitar, and has become pretty good at playing it in the past few years. He likes to sit in his office on the second floor of our house and play his guitar and sing along. There is a comforting tone in his voice that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. When I was just a little girl, my dad would come into my room every night and sing to me. And now, it breaks my heart when I realize that I can’t remember the name of the song he would sing, or the words to go along with it. I just have a faint recollection of a tune that tugs on my heartstrings whenever I hear it being played. And I know that one day, I won’t hear him serenading the household anymore, and I can’t begin to imagine how empty and lonely it will be without him and his music around to comfort me.
Maybe that is one of the reasons that I want to learn how to play ukulele. Or maybe it is just so that I can find a way to deal with the stress or anger or depression that builds up inside of me. Because, when I start to think of the music, it makes my heart feel less heavy and things seem calm and peaceful for just a little while.
For those of you who play Ukulele, here are the chords.
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by E.V. Harburg and Harold Arlen
Verse 1:
[C]Somewhere [Em]over the rainbow
[F]Way up [C]high
[F]There's a [C]land that I heard of
[G7]Once in a lulla[C]by
Verse 2:
[C]Somewhere [Em]over the rainbow
[F]Skies are [C]blue
[F]And the [C]dreams that you dare to
[G7]Dream really do come [C]true
Chorus:
Some [C]day I'll wish upon a star
And [G7]wake up where the clouds are far be[F]hind me
Where [C]troubles melt like lemondrops
A[G7]way above the chimney tops
That's [Am]where you'll [F]find me
Verse 3:
[C]Somewhere [Em]over the rainbow
[F]Bluebirds [C]fly
[F]Birds fly [C]over the rainbow
[G7]Why then, oh why can't [C]I?
Ending:
[C]If happy little bluebirds fly
Be[G7]yond the rainbow
Why, oh [F]why [G7]can't [C]I?
******
Okay, so that was by the lovely Claire! Go check her out on youtube, since her blog is neglected.
Thanks, Claire, for saving my crappy post today with one of much higher quality. She may be coming back on Thursdays this month :)
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