Warning: (Religion) Rant Ahead

Hello, all.

So, I have things to talk about, but at the moment, they're not things I can share on my blog.

Actually, you know what? It's my blog. And I will write whatever I want and not feel bad about it. If you are easily offended, skip it. Because I'm going to talk religion, and I'm going to be honest here.
(Warning: Rant ahead.)

I hate it when people bring up the religion thing. I hate it. I hate having to remind people of my beliefs and feeling guilty for that small part of me that looks at them and just says "...seriously?"
I hate feeling obligated to give them hope that I can change mind. I've been there, done that. I hate feeling guilty that I disagree with them, and for not saying "no" to people telling me I should come to church with them or whatever.

Worse, I hate myself for saying that I will keep an open mind. I will try, but I can't make that promise. When I make that promise, I am fully aware that it will be next to impossible for me to keep it. I can sit and appreciate the impact religion has on them, but I can't pull that into myself.

I wrote about that during the last "month" (but it wasn't really ONE month, more like two consecutive halves); how some people need religion in their lives. How some people need a God. And I get that. I understand, needing something to believe in and needing to trust that somebody out there is watching over you. I think the faith that some people have is inspiring, the absolute belief in something, and the idea of their life having a definite purpose, dictated by something all-powerful and all-knowing.

The thing is, I can have a purpose for my life without religion. I don't need a mandate from God, and to me, the world makes most sense as I see it now. Religion seems to complicate things and twist perceptions, and it often contradicts itself. Life is random to me; there are coincidences (both good and bad) and there are things that I cannot explain. Science explains enough for me, enough that what I understand the world as much as I think I need to. I, too, can wonder at the beauty of nature and life and the overwhelming thought of infinity. I can be scared of death and enthralled with life and see that it is not God that makes it beautiful or overwhelming or marvelous. It is not God or the Devil that make things bad, and it is not the Devil that corrupts-- nor is it God that saves. Life just IS. It's everything around you. I don't need God to tell me that.

My path isn't dictated by God and I do not miss religion or faith. If anything, I see myself as liberated-- I can look at the world and love its mystery. I can feel fully, wholly as myself. Everything I do, I do for myself and I am well aware that sounds selfish, but that means that everything GOOD I do is merely because I want to, not because I believe that it is what will bring me to Heaven. I get to live every day of my life without guilt; I can make mistakes and forgive myself for making them. I don't have to ask some great power to judge my actions and tell me if I'm "worthy".

I don't feel like I'm missing anything in life. Maybe I'm missing out on the connection that religion gives you to others, but there are other ways to connect with people without a "bond" through God. People are connected by their humanity, not their faith. That is the ONE thing we all have in common-- we are ALL people, good and bad. We can be strong without God. You don't NEED God to be strong. If anything, God gives you an outlet, a source for you to feel strong on your own. If you stop believing in God, all you have left is belief in yourself. That's not a bad place to be, I promise. Life is intimidating and scary and all those things, but God is not a necessity to survival. God is only part of your perception.

My answer to all the difficult questions that faith in God brings up is simple-- there is no God.

How do you deal with your idea of God as loving and forgiving when all through the Bible he shows that he is NOT? How do you reconcile your idea of God as all-loving when some people use God as an example, saying things like "God hates (insert-minority-here)"? How does THAT work? What about back when God was used as a proponent of slavery? If God means well and is so "awesome", why do bad things happen? If he heals and saves, why doesn't he save EVERYBODY? How can a God that means well allow good people to die/go to hell/be in pain? How can you trust that God means the best for you? How do you know that Heaven exists and that you will go there? How do you know that God's "plan" for you is the same that you want for yourself? Why won't God heal amputees?

I couldn't answer those questions. I still can't. My only answer is one that many people will hate me for, and I'm sorry. I'm not trying to convert you. I'm writing this for myself, because I need to say it and I needed to rant. I want to know what you think the answers are, or if you have any. Why do you believe what you believe? Because I know my story and my thoughts, but I don't know yours. And I want to know.

So... that's it I guess. There you go. I think religion is useful in its own right, but I can't find that faith within myself anymore. And it annoys me that I am not given the chance to just let my beliefs stay as they are without it being challenged by friends. I won't apologize for my beliefs or my words, because it's part of who I am; but forgive me for not being what you expect and for believing as you do. It's not something to forgive, anyway.

Anyway, thanks for reading my religion rant and share your own opinions in the comments!

-Aly

Lunchables

HELLO!

I tried to post via text message, but that failed epically. :(

Today was kind of bleh. Nothing extraordinary, as always. I didn't get my school's nomination for that scholarship-- it went to exactly who I thought it would. That's okay, though, I'll self-nominate which is lame... and I'm very proud of my friends who DID get the nominations.

The race today was better than I expected. I ran it like I would a tempo run (as did most of the team) but still managed to run faster than the previous race at this course. It was nice and relaxed, and for once I wasn't stressed out over the race. If I were to actually race and be that relaxed, I could probably do much better. Strange how that works.

I'm going to take a break from studying for my first AP US History test by writing this post. This seems counter-intuitive, but whatever. I'll be waking up early to study more for APUSH anyway, so I might as well write what I want to.

Something I've been thinking about lately is body image and the way that we each see ourselves. Beyond that, the way in which people we don't know that well perceive us based on our bodies or even the pieces of our personalities exposed during certain moments. We have a tendency to judge others; we don't do a very good job of "imagining them complexly" (as John Green would say).

My question is this: have you ever experienced body liberty? One moment in time where no one could judge you, where you are completely content with your body in both form and function. I would say that very few people actually have that moment, and even fewer can make that feeling last for an extended period of time.

Lately I've been struggling with my perception of what my body should be and what it is. For me, this is a result of my body insecurity following my time in France (oh, that food, again...), and the demands that cross-country places on my body. It's getting to the point again, or perhaps for the first time, where I've had that moment of body liberty and I am happy with my body. It's very comforting to me to reflect on that moment and pull that feeling into my daily life. Impossible, of course, but still a reminder.

The thing is that other people do not seem to realize how important this is to me. The throwaway comments of others, degrading their own bodies or insulting others bodies, frustrate me. I want to ask them about why they think so poorly of their own bodies (or others). And then, beyond that, when they make comments about people that they don't know very well, comments that hurt unintentionally... do you not realize that you aren't imaging them complexly?

The way you view somebody is related to their appearance and their personality. If you only see or understand facets of either part of a person, then do not judge. Think of your own body and your own flaws, the small bits of yourself that you reveal at certain points. Think of your own insecurity about your body and your soul; pause a minute and think of body liberty and the personality that is greater than what you initially see.

...That wasn't a very well put-together thought. Uhm. I hope you got my point; I was kind of pulling in two things that have been bothering me lately. One of those issues will be taken care of soon, which will be fun.

The person I appreciate today is Sean, for the non-nominee hug in the parking lot, despite his initial reluctance. xD

A demain!
-Aly

Dreamland

Hello again!

I’ve put this off for a few days now, but it’s about time that I sit down and actually write this blog, so here it goes.

I’ve been here for five months now, and in that time, quite a bit has changed. The most obvious is, of course, language-wise, but I’ve also gained many amazing friends and experiences.

Some things haven’t quite been what I expected them to be, but some, such as the relationships I’ve built, have been so much more important to me than I expected. I’ve spent these last two months (ever since the last vacation) in my own personal version of heaven, so busy with my French friends that I didn’t have time to miss home. And now, I’ve moved in with my friend Charlotte—I finally get to experience a “host family” with somebody my age, which is quite fun.

I could get all sappy here, but the video I posted on the 21st shows it pretty well—all that video was taken in a span of four days, and it’s kind of a present for the Frenchies, with whom I’ve passed so many good days lately.

OH! In other news, I only have 2 days of school left. And then I’m off to Bordeaux again, and the final few weeks in June, I’ll spend with Charlotte (B.) and my other friends. I’m so not ready for this to end, it’s just TOO GOOD.

♥,
-Aly

Trips to McDonalds/Quick: 12
(*hides in shame*)

It's the Americans

Hello!

I am perfectly aware that I haven't posted about Carnaval yet. You can't blame me! I want to do it justice, and by doing it justice, I am including so many details that you should be able to FEEL the excitement pouncing on you from France. Though the 717 pictures to choose from certainly don't hurt. So, WHEN I post it, it will be MASSIVELY LONG and probably take you hours to read. But you don't mind, right?!

This is another one of those real-time blog updates! As usual, I'm posting this about the time that I need to rant about my life here.

As a pretext for this, let me explain that the past two weeks have been rough. We didn't have internet here for a chunk of last week, and I'm an internet junkie (and so is Nathalie), so things here were frustrating. Beyond that, I haven't really done anything with any of my friends here for awhile.

Thus begins the rant.

If you don't know, I'm a very huggy person. I'm one of those annoying people that will hug you for longer than you're used to, and I may even attempt to hug you so hard that you can't breathe. My friends at home are used to this, and happen to be the same way. Even better, I'm so close with them that I can literally lean on them whenever I want (or need) to. Although "hug-training" has gone well (largely thanks to the fact that my friend Nolwenn is a similar huggy-person), I still slip into my normal, hug-addict self with the friends I've become closer to. Unfortunately, I sometimes get the always-fun reaction of people being kind of rude about it-- pushing me away, shrugging me off, or just generally spazzing out. It shouldn't upset me, but it does a little. I become embarrassed, I feel silly, and I feel snubbed. It's just not fun.

That brings me to my second point. I never wanted to see 8th grade again, because I had the worst experience with friends in 8th grade (though I came out of it well enough, with some wonderful friends that I love dearly). I've said before that I love the Frenchies, and they DO prove themselves to be awesome, but it's still not quite THERE. It's not quite there to the point that they make plans in front of me and don't include me in them.

I'd like to pretend that it's because they think I don't understand them, but let's be honest... I've been here for 3 months. It's apparently not rude to invite yourself along (whatwhatwhat?) but I AM SO SOCIALLY AWKWARD and I have warning bells in my head telling me that is a bad idea.

Worse, I don't have the guts to say something when I'm not happy. I don't want to offend somebody (maybe it's normal to only hang out with your family? Uhm, all the time?), or maybe they think I'm doing something (ha!), but it wouldn't hurt to ASK, right? I mean, generally, if you want somebody to be there, don't you just ASK THEM ALONG? Because not being invited me along makes me feel like I couldn't matter less. I'm good for laughs (make me say cuss words in French! it's hilarious! *sarcasm*), but I'm starting to feel like I'm just the "school friend" of too many people.

(I'm still trying though! I AM STILL TRYING. I AM NOT GIVING UP. I'm working on making plans for this weekend, and a few of the more-wonderful Frenchies seem to have picked up on my mood-- Nolwenn, my fellow hug-addict, made a subtle point of giving me bajillions of hugs yesterday. I was feeling particularly glum and I REALLY needed some good hugs. Once school was over, I told Camille about the fact that I was tired of spending so much time alone and can we PLEASE PLEASE plan something for as soon as possible-- and now plans are in the works for this weekend. As well as a few other unexpected-by-still-awesome people picking up on my need for social interaction... it'll be okay.)

That wasn't truly a rant. I guess those are both things you should know (besides the fact that sometimes, I miss home so hard that I want to cry; that's not particularly new, either).

You may not know this, but I've never considered myself to be outstandingly patriotic. I'm an optimist, sure (though I guess you couldn't tell sometimes by the tone of these posts...), but I know that we have a LOT of problems to sort out. Big problems, and less important ones, but problems none-the-less, and so many that I hesitate to claim pride in the country I call home, but haven't felt that GREAT about being a citizen of the US. I have loved France so long-- idealized it; the superior education system, the relaxed attitude about a multitude of things, and of course, the language.

Since being here, I'm still as in love with France as ever (and the language). I wasn't right about all these things (in some of my experiences), but yet... France has something going for it. These people (all of them that I have met)... they ALL seem to love their country. I can't really explain it, but their entire attitude (during the Winter Olympics, for football [the soccer kind], the fact that they all know the national anthem by heart...) just tells me that they are so PROUD to be French. It makes me want to be proud of my country.

But, you guys, it's really hard to be proud of your country when you're in a foreign country where you hear a TEACHER insulting your country to your face while your classmates stare at you. It's really hard to smile and laugh it off, when you're thinking that you don't want to be American if it means being all these horrible things, when you feel the eyes on you and these people you want to like you judging you based on the fact that you happen to be from the US, and you're probably one of the few Americans they've met. It really sucks to be American when you realize that yes, some of the things they say are true, and that maybe-just-possibly-they-believe-these-things-are-true-of-YOU.

This isn't to say the French hate us; in fact, they seem to like us well enough (but they loooove Obama in general, as well as American pop culture)... but some of them seem to blame us for everything wrong in the world. And it is really quite awful to be the subject of such a sentiment. I leave History far too often, after learning something I already know, and hearing yet-another insult about my country, feeling worn down and in desperate need of a hug. I laugh it off, and joke about it, but I still feel the sting of the insult.

Is it too much to ask to be proud of my country? Just once, can't we do something that isn't going to bring about world destruction, or isn't supporting something awful? Is it impossible to recognize that we are NOT THE ONLY country to blame for some international problems (such as Climate Change... did you realize that we are the only country in the world that pollutes?! THE ONLY ONE, YOU GUYS. *more sarcasm*), and that there are worthwhile things that come out of the United States? That maybe we aren't all religious-driven, brain-washing bullies with a twisted mind bent on making everybody else just like us?

I want to be proud to be an American. I know we have problems; but we aren't the only ones. I just don't want to be judged on the stereotypes and mistakes of my country. So, yes, Frenchies, I am an American.

Rant over!

In other news, I have to actually participate in school now. We're starting real Physics in Physique, and it is SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED HERE. I didn't think that it could make less sense than it did before, but somehow they manage with the simplest concepts of Physics (force diagram! how is that DIFFERENT here?). I've been having to do French tests; my French teacher was surprised to discover that I can write in French, and I think his new goal is to make me write in French verb tenses I don't know as often as possible. I hope it'll work; I'll let you know. I had an English test today-- it was the easiest test ever, and I kind of loved it. Other than the fact that I don't know what the heck a "preterit" is or "irregular verbs" in English (wait, we HAVE those?!?!). I mean, I know the verbs, I just don't know the funky specifics like that-- I've never learned English like this.

Okay, that's all for now!

Hope you guys are doing well, enjoying life, and such!
-Aly