Three Years Ago...

Pictures from my last day with my French friends when my mom and brother visited.

Hello, all!

Three years ago I landed on American soil after seven months of living in France. 

Three years have passed since my friends came to pick me up at the airport and I didn't quite believe it was real. Since we screamed and cried and hugged in an airport lobby because it had been so long and so much had changed.

Seven months changes a lot. 

Three years changes more.

Three years ago, I had already accomplished the dream that I had been working towards for 10 years of my life. I didn't have a new dream; I was happy to be home but my language and my heart was still captured in French. (It still is, but to a lesser extent.)

Three years have passed since I was last in Europe. Slightly more than that since I said goodbye to "my Frenchies" and embarked on a short vacation to Italy with my mother and brother. More than three years since I wandered through Southern France with near-strangers that are kind of family and now-distant friends. Since filming silly videos with my friends and dancing through La Villa Aurélienne. Since hanging out in MacDo and Quick and getting sunburnt on the beach of La mer Méditerranée. 

Picture from a picnic my class threw me before I left France.

I find myself looking through those pictures and blog posts and thinking of all those experiences and I fall in love with those experiences all over again. Or I feel the sting of loneliness as I read about those rough days when I felt like I was falling apart. I re-watch the video I made to celebrate five months in France again and tear up as I remember those friends and I think about all the stories and pictures that I never shared here. (There are so many)

I think about who I was then. How I felt out of touch with the United States and my friends on either side of the ocean at different points; those moments of clarity on long train rides alone and when goofing off with people whose names I probably never pronounced exactly right. 

And then there's now. 

I'm rediscovering myself and my strength and challenging myself all over again. I've found a new dream to pursue at long last and I am pursuing it the best I know how.

Life is strange and time passes too quickly. I'm not sure where I will be seven months from now, much less three years from now. I wonder if I will still maintain the friendships I have had for years, or if I will re-establish the closeness I once had with my seven month friends. 

That being said, it's time to share again. 

A bientot!
Aly

On Resolutions & Reflections

Hello, all!

This isn't the typical start-of-a-new year post. It's a send-off to 2011 and the beautiful moments that made the year special, and it's me looking forward to this year with the only expectation being Happiness.

2011 was definitely an important year for me... I graduated from high school and went off to college, which is quite a life change. But this past year, I discovered friendships that I didn't realize would become so important to me. I learned about myself and had a few preconceptions be thrown out the window. I realized how important some people have been in my life and though I never actually thanked them, I realized that it's quite important to me to recognize my dependence upon others. So, to everyone that made 2011 special-- from hugs, adventures, advice, knowledge, or simply a kind word... thank you for making my year wonderful.

This year, though, I'm thinking that it's time for change.

I'm not going to make specific resolutions this year (and I realize that it's now slightly over a week into 2012, but in my defense I haven't had internet access for a while...), but I'm going based on concepts. In theory, I am not challenging myself to change who I am, but rather to try to become the person that I want to be.

For now, this means that my resolutions are the following:

• Create something beautiful
• Seek simplicity
• Make good decisions
• Have an adventure
• Fill life with happiness
• Surround myself with supportive, awesome people

These are not resolutions that necessarily have an end. I learned last year that I don't do that well with exact resolutions (with the exception of reading at least 50 books, since I was able to do that by volunteering at the library). These are not so much resolutions for the new year as they are resolutions for life, the kind that are applicable at any time of the year and ideas that could be implemented anytime.

As always, though, I'm looking forward to this year, and all the things that are ahead. Some of these resolutions are applicable to blogging, but I have some other projects that I'll be embarking on this year, and I intend to continue sharing some of these with you.

Anyway, thanks for reading as always and I hope your year has been beautiful so far. I hope that 2011 ended in happiness & joy and that this year brings you all the happiness that you deserve.

Love,

Aly

Too Many Goodbyes

Hello, all!

I'm done with high school. I've taken all my exams and finished my classes. I've started cleaning out boxes of stuff. I've been signing yearbooks, writing letters, reading notes written to me, uploading pictures to facebook. Everything is frantic, a last-ditch effort to claim ownership of a vaguely-familiar life. It's all leading to goodbye.

I hate goodbyes, I really do. And these goodbyes... well, I don't want to make most of them. I refuse to accept that this is the end, because endings can be sad more often than not.

I refuse to say goodbye to the movie nights that have characterized a seven-year-long-friendship.

I refuse to say goodbye to the stories I created when I was just beginning to write.

I won't say goodbye to the teachers that have made my high school experience wonderful, and I especially will not say goodbye to the ones that have made this year memorable and amazing.

I won't say goodbye to my unexpected friends, or the unexpected moments of beauty experienced with them.

I refuse to say goodbye to the friends with whom I found a home. Or the stories we wrote in our lives or in our minds, the ones that we never finished and the ones that we did because living is much easier than imagining, at least for now.

I won't say goodbye to these half-created plans, these fractions of thoughts and ideas that seem never to happen. I won't give up hope that they can happen, that these crazy dreams and plans and schemes are even possible-- because I want to believe that they will.

I won't say goodbye to the list of things I meant to do this year but didn't. Goals can change and shift and not accomplishing them is no reason for me to give up trying to make them happen in some form.

But mostly, I absolutely refuse to say goodbye to my life as it is now--- the people or this place or these dreams or these words, even. It is not yet gone and I am still here. And I refuse to say goodbye because I know I will return to HERE in my mind and in my future, to every aspect of this hectic existence.

Thanks for listening, as always-- sorry I've been absent, but as mentioned... frantic, crazy life. Sometimes I just need a break from my own mind, but sometimes I need to speak.

-Aly

February Round-up!

Hello, all!

I just blogged every day for the month of February. If you missed one of the posts, here's the list here!

Feb. 1st: Return to Middle School-- musings about who I am now versus who I was in middle school & the passage of time.
Feb. 2nd: Forgotten Posts-- a list of things I had written about in the past that I had forgotten to publish.
Feb. 3rd: Guest Post: Claire on Music -- Claire talks about music and learning to play instruments.
Feb. 4th: The Seven Stages of Procrastination -- a short list about how I go about procrastination.
Feb. 5th: A Barely-Golden Sky -- a short narrative inspired by a picture.
Feb. 6th: Super Bowl Sunday -- where I reveal how I spent my day. (This one is really insignificant.)
Feb. 7th: That Kind of Day -- a day when everything felt odd and I once again retreated to the library.
Feb. 8th: Warning: (Religion) Rant Ahead -- exactly what it sounds like.
Feb. 9th: The Math Class Narrative -- where I share a narrative I wrote about my math class.
Feb. 10th: Wrock Concert -- where I reveal what I was actually doing on February 9th, and share a wizard rock song.
Feb. 11th: Five-ish Friday Links -- where I share links to sites I spend way too much time on, and things you should know about.
Feb. 12th: Secret Project! -- a short post about how I spent my day sewing, though I have yet to actually finish the video I promise in the post... whoops... (This one is insignificant, too.)
Feb. 13th: Lost Ideas -- musings about inspiration folders and ideas that we lose.
Feb. 14th: Happy I'm-Single-On-Valentine's Day -- where I talk about love, just not the romantic kind, and why I like Valentine's Day... and write a list of people ten people I love.
Feb. 15th: An Excerpt from the Locket -- I share an excerpt from my 2010 NaNoWriMo novel.
Feb. 16th: Balance -- musings about my New Year's Resolutions, how to prioritize, and my inability to do so.
Feb. 17th: Incoherent Poetry -- a short poem that describes my day.
Feb. 18th: Feminism -- where I rant about what I think feminism means.
Feb. 19th: Simplicity -- an even shorter, incredibly simple poem.
Feb. 20th: To New Readers & Old -- where I thank you for reading, and reveal that I have no idea what this blog is anymore.
Feb. 21st: The Inevitability of Death -- musings about death & our fear of it.
Feb. 22nd: The Senses -- where I talk about the senses, sight, and perception.
Feb. 23rd: Highway -- I find a poem I wrote in 2009 and share it.
Feb. 24th: An Unsurprising Confession -- where I reveal my love for Shakespeare.
Feb. 25th: 100 Happy Things -- in honor of my 100th blog post, I write a list of 100 things to be happy about.
Feb. 26th: Out of my Comfort Zone -- I blog after an awkward dance and muse about trying new things.
Feb. 27th: Mindless Reading -- where I share my shameless pleasure of reading books that don't require me to think.
Feb. 28th: Nearly March -- where I unveil the new blog design, talk about what to expect, and ask you what you want me to blog about!

Well, happy March, everybody! I'm glad you stuck around for NaBloPoMo, and if you're a blogger, you should definitely consider doing it some month-- I promise, it's not nearly as scary as NaNoWriMo!

Question for today:
- What was your favorite post from this past month? Why?

(Mine, in case you're wondering, is the 100 Happy Things.)

A demain for the FFB event! :)
-Aly

Balance

Hello, all!

I was planning on writing a blog post about feminism today, but that is temporarily delayed because other things came to mind today.

Do you remember my New Year's resolutions?

Well, if you don't, one of them was to find balance in my life. I'm learning that this is REALLY DIFFICULT. I mean, seriously! This week more than ever, I'm realizing how badly I need to find balance and how hard it is to find it. I am a teeter totter, never quite equal, always leaning to one side or the other. Or scales. I don't know, choose a metaphor. Balance beam, teetering gymnast. Possibilities are endless but what it all boils down to is that I am currently incapable of keeping my life in any sort of equilibrium.

This week, it feels like I'm being pulled in all directions. I'm trying to sort out my suddenly very complicated and backwards social life, apply to Important College-y Things, work hard on school stuff, starting track, blogging, trying to figure out plans for this weekend, trying to figure out what to do for my friend in the hospital and when I can visit, and attempting to have enough time to sleep, eat, and talk to my family. EVERYTHING is being thrown at me at once, and while most of it isn't bad, I don't know how to handle all of it at once.

How am I supposed to pick priorities? I mean, obviously, some things are more important than others, but some things I want to do more than I want to do others. What should be most important, the needs or the wants? The needs, traditionally, but where does one find value in life? In doing what MUST be done or by doing what you WANT to do?

I mean, I know the "right" answer to that. Needs, obviously. Basics. But nothing in life is really basic (other than food/water/shelter, but let's be honest here, those are not overwhelming me right now). Basics are not a problem for me. Sleep is a basic, too, but that doesn't end up being a priority. I can function on five hours of sleep, but I'd rather not. So sleep is sacrificed. School is a Need, because education is important and school matters enough to my idea of success that I can't allow myself NOT to do it. But the homework is time-consuming, and there's that one class (math) where I struggle endlessly, and it feels fruitless. I'm not deriving (ha, punny!) any pleasure from doing the work that I don't fully understand, despite paying attention and taking notes. The homework feels endless and it's frustrating. Is that a priority? Work harder, until I understand? (Well, that's what I'm trying to do, anyway.)

I consider family and friends to be important. I mean, I like having dinner with my mom (and my brother when he's around/if he comes upstairs), and talking a bit. But lately I feel like I'm home far too often, and never see my friends. My social life is in a state of flux as I try to figure out what's going on with whom and where my relationships with different friends are at right now. And now time is eaten up by track and I find myself exhausted and sore, confined to a set schedule, the same old thing, monotonously repeated every day. Wake up, finish homework (I'm a night person but I focus best in daylight. I make no sense.), go to school, go to track, come home. There's no room for adventure when time is cut into slices that must occur in perfect order.

The thing about balance is that it's orderly and I am typically a mess. I'm disorganized and forgetful, a procrastinator (sometimes to the extreme). I'm terrible at prioritizing and choosing Important Things over my own interests (I'd much rather learn something I want to learn than work on something I don't want to do). Maybe I cling to what was too much, unable to move on or separate what's happening now to what I'm used to. Am I resistant to change? That's a different question entirely, but the point is that I am finding it incredibly difficult to balance my life as is and my life as I want it to be. There's no way to do everything I want or to be the best at everything, but at the moment, I'm not even sure where to start. I have ideas, sure, and I'm working on it.

Balance is elusive and difficult, something I think that not many people are good at. That's why it's one of my resolutions or goals or whatever they are for this year-- I want to change that in myself. My fear is that it will be impossible to change though.

So I'll start with this, the acknowledgment that balance can only ever be temporarily. Things shift and change and the balance is thrown off; I can only move in the opposite direction and see if I can get it just right.

A demain!
-Aly

Warning: (Religion) Rant Ahead

Hello, all.

So, I have things to talk about, but at the moment, they're not things I can share on my blog.

Actually, you know what? It's my blog. And I will write whatever I want and not feel bad about it. If you are easily offended, skip it. Because I'm going to talk religion, and I'm going to be honest here.
(Warning: Rant ahead.)

I hate it when people bring up the religion thing. I hate it. I hate having to remind people of my beliefs and feeling guilty for that small part of me that looks at them and just says "...seriously?"
I hate feeling obligated to give them hope that I can change mind. I've been there, done that. I hate feeling guilty that I disagree with them, and for not saying "no" to people telling me I should come to church with them or whatever.

Worse, I hate myself for saying that I will keep an open mind. I will try, but I can't make that promise. When I make that promise, I am fully aware that it will be next to impossible for me to keep it. I can sit and appreciate the impact religion has on them, but I can't pull that into myself.

I wrote about that during the last "month" (but it wasn't really ONE month, more like two consecutive halves); how some people need religion in their lives. How some people need a God. And I get that. I understand, needing something to believe in and needing to trust that somebody out there is watching over you. I think the faith that some people have is inspiring, the absolute belief in something, and the idea of their life having a definite purpose, dictated by something all-powerful and all-knowing.

The thing is, I can have a purpose for my life without religion. I don't need a mandate from God, and to me, the world makes most sense as I see it now. Religion seems to complicate things and twist perceptions, and it often contradicts itself. Life is random to me; there are coincidences (both good and bad) and there are things that I cannot explain. Science explains enough for me, enough that what I understand the world as much as I think I need to. I, too, can wonder at the beauty of nature and life and the overwhelming thought of infinity. I can be scared of death and enthralled with life and see that it is not God that makes it beautiful or overwhelming or marvelous. It is not God or the Devil that make things bad, and it is not the Devil that corrupts-- nor is it God that saves. Life just IS. It's everything around you. I don't need God to tell me that.

My path isn't dictated by God and I do not miss religion or faith. If anything, I see myself as liberated-- I can look at the world and love its mystery. I can feel fully, wholly as myself. Everything I do, I do for myself and I am well aware that sounds selfish, but that means that everything GOOD I do is merely because I want to, not because I believe that it is what will bring me to Heaven. I get to live every day of my life without guilt; I can make mistakes and forgive myself for making them. I don't have to ask some great power to judge my actions and tell me if I'm "worthy".

I don't feel like I'm missing anything in life. Maybe I'm missing out on the connection that religion gives you to others, but there are other ways to connect with people without a "bond" through God. People are connected by their humanity, not their faith. That is the ONE thing we all have in common-- we are ALL people, good and bad. We can be strong without God. You don't NEED God to be strong. If anything, God gives you an outlet, a source for you to feel strong on your own. If you stop believing in God, all you have left is belief in yourself. That's not a bad place to be, I promise. Life is intimidating and scary and all those things, but God is not a necessity to survival. God is only part of your perception.

My answer to all the difficult questions that faith in God brings up is simple-- there is no God.

How do you deal with your idea of God as loving and forgiving when all through the Bible he shows that he is NOT? How do you reconcile your idea of God as all-loving when some people use God as an example, saying things like "God hates (insert-minority-here)"? How does THAT work? What about back when God was used as a proponent of slavery? If God means well and is so "awesome", why do bad things happen? If he heals and saves, why doesn't he save EVERYBODY? How can a God that means well allow good people to die/go to hell/be in pain? How can you trust that God means the best for you? How do you know that Heaven exists and that you will go there? How do you know that God's "plan" for you is the same that you want for yourself? Why won't God heal amputees?

I couldn't answer those questions. I still can't. My only answer is one that many people will hate me for, and I'm sorry. I'm not trying to convert you. I'm writing this for myself, because I need to say it and I needed to rant. I want to know what you think the answers are, or if you have any. Why do you believe what you believe? Because I know my story and my thoughts, but I don't know yours. And I want to know.

So... that's it I guess. There you go. I think religion is useful in its own right, but I can't find that faith within myself anymore. And it annoys me that I am not given the chance to just let my beliefs stay as they are without it being challenged by friends. I won't apologize for my beliefs or my words, because it's part of who I am; but forgive me for not being what you expect and for believing as you do. It's not something to forgive, anyway.

Anyway, thanks for reading my religion rant and share your own opinions in the comments!

-Aly

That Kind of Day

I feel lost today. The sky was grey, that peculiar shade that engulfs the sky, taunting of a looming storm. The air was still, scant breezes lazily wafting by, but I felt lost. There's something about this weekend and today that combined to make me feel heavy. The weight of some unknown settles into my stomach and I am disjointed from the world, as though the air is bending around me, never touching. I walk steadily and my feet seem to be too strong. My eyes won't close, and my mind won't focus. I think of nothing and everything.

There's a heaviness to my heart too-- not the actual organ, of course; physically I am fine. But I find my mind suddenly switching to French and images rise to my memory, floating behind my eyes and I recognize the emotion. I am lonely, profoundly so, missing "home", the home I knew last year, that comfortable place with friends I rarely have the chance to speak to. It's as though I am on French time and everybody else is here. My entire being is out of sync with everybody around me, dragging a moment behind or leaping too far forward. When I speak, it's as though my voice is a whisper and when I try again, it fades altogether, dropping silently to the floor where my companions cannot hear it.

The day is grey and gloomy; I am, too. I seek the sun, but notice that it has been stolen from even the places where I seek refuge. As though I truly am alone, forgotten, or pushed away. A simple question confuses me, and I wonder if the suggestion is a valid one. This emotion isn't like anger, it's haunting. Anger feels like burning and I feel like a shadow.

I move automatically, not knowing where to go but seeking the only solution I can find. The respite of silence and the creaking of an old building, the familiar scent of books. I belong here, a girl artfully ignored. I work silently, the keys clicking under my fingers, glancing up every now and again to see familiar faces across the room. They don't notice me, but I smile, knowing that if I stood up and wandered over, they would say hello with a smile and I would have the chance to talk about my day and seek some sort of comfort through kind words.

I don't seek that comfort though. In this moment, I am alone, and I accept that. I seek something besides people but I'm not sure what. The uneasiness in my heart makes the world seem heavier, even as the sun sets and stains the sky orange and pink, sweeping across the earth and onto me.

...
Today is that kind of day.
Sorry if that made no sense, I'm just rambling.
-Aly

Return to Middle School

Hello!

So, this morning, a group of seniors from the two local high schools headed over to a middle school in the area to talk to the eighth graders about the "high school experience" and such.

And can I just say... four years is quite a long time. Four years since I sat in one of those rooms hearing very similar stuff to the things I said today. So much has changed since then, and all of it for the better.

I'm not sure about you, but my middle school experience was NOT the most pleasant. My eighth grade year sucked, mostly due to separation from my then-best-friends. High school, though, has been amazing. I mean, not like AMAZING, but it's been pretty dang good so far as I'm concerned. There have been bad parts and mistakes and the like, but seriously... nothing that made the entire experience awful.

Seeing my old middle school teachers reminds me how quickly time passes, and how quickly you can forget people. They all seemed to remember me, which surprised me. How memorable can each class of students be to these teachers? After so many years of teaching, how is it that some students-- or potentially all?-- can stay in their memories?

If they don't remember everybody, then I feel honored. I was significant enough to them to be remembered years after I have left the confines of their classrooms, and even though it's only middle school, that feels kind of important. It does to me now, anyway, thinking about how much different I am now than I was back then. I'm sure it's a curious sensation for the teachers to see the tiny little tweens they knew change suddenly into teenagers, ones that are adults so far as most places are concerned. How bizarre it must be for them to look at us, these vaguely familiar faces of years past and partially forgotten, blurred together into maybe decades of teaching. How strange it must be to look into the faces that hold echoes of children you knew once and realize you no longer know them.

What runs through their minds then?

Who is this person? This child no longer? What do they DO? What's different? Are they the same deep down?

Back then, I thought that everything I did MATTERED. The grades I got all through middle school MEANT something to me, and I measured myself against my academic success. I was terrible at sports (I tried out for the track team once... I ran a personal best at the time, 10 minute mile or something terrible), and... well, I was painfully socially awkward. I thought it was important that I had won the school spelling bee (it was a joke, but still, I thought it mattered), and that I was in the first violin section in the orchestra.

Who am I now, in comparison to that?

I mean, now I know that nothing I did back then really mattered *that* much, because once you leave middle school, nobody cares about how stellar of a student you were in middle school. I don't measure myself by grades now. I do, to an extent, but I know better-- that's not all there is to me. I'm decent at sports, and I love cross-country (I used to hate running, if you couldn't tell-- and my PR is quite a bit faster than 10!). I have awesome friends, and I seem to be finding more friends everywhere these days. And orchestra... well, I gave up on that one a long time ago, but I am not musically inclined. It doesn't bother me, though.

It's forcing me to think, though. Does that middle school me exist somewhere, still?
(I mean, other than preserved in the pages of myspace.)

Am I still the horribly awkward girl that sat at the front of classrooms, always ready to raise my hand when comfortable, or the girl that shrunk to the back of the class to be forgotten when confused? Am I still the girl that was a burden to her friends, exiled from lunch tables overandoverandover again for silly reasons that I didn't even understand then? Still a girl worth insulting? The one picked last for teams, last for projects, shoved into the corner when better options abound?

Because honestly... I don't think so. I hope not, anyway. Parts of that girl still exist-- I mean, I'm still quite awkward, but at this point, it's no longer the "awkward stage" of not knowing who I was, who I wanted to be, and what everybody expected of me.

And I am very glad not to be that girl anymore.

At the same time, I'm quite fascinated by who I was then. That's why I haven't deleted the myspace that I probably should delete-- it holds her, the Aly of what feels like so long ago. The one that saw the world in black and white; the innocent girl that believed that everybody was kind and that even the people that treated her poorly were still good; the one that believed in absurd crushes and impossibilities. The one that believed in so much without question. That is the me I want to remember from back then.

Years from now, what will I want to remember from NOW? Will I laugh at myself for thinking I understood myself? Do I even understand myself now?

That's it I guess. Middle school was awful, High school's been pretty great... but it's ending and I'm ridiculously excited to move on.

Happy February 1st!
-Aly

forgiveness

I'm a forgiving person,
I will eventually forgive

For once you'll have to earn it

My friend says the Bible says to forgive
because Jesus forgave;
I do not care what the Bible says,

I can't keep giving away forgiveness
like it's candy
And today is Halloween
Just to anybody

I am always willing to forgive

But I hate when
People turn around
And seem to throw it in my face
But doesn't everybody do that?
I would hope so,
The problem, though, is that
Sometimes, when you forgive

People throw it in your face
Like cups of boiling water

And I find myself crumbling
My spirits sinking
And I end up hurt
Foolish enough to think that
Everybody deserves
An unconditional chance

But sometimes,

In some cases,
Forgiving the same person

For similar things

And they keep breaking my trust

Is an impossibility if I am to stay sane

My friend points out
Wouldn't I like the same?

To be forgiven
And loved unconditionally?

In this case, no

Even though, for most people
I am willing to forgive
And forgive
And forgive

I will do it a hundred million times over

Until it reaches the point
Where they no longer make an effort
To apologize or to show me
That my forgiveness
Means something
I can't...
handle that
And maybe that makes me completely selfish.
Even then, my friend says,

If you did something stupid,
wouldn't you want to be forgiven?

and loved still?

Yes, I say,
But usually I make an effort
To apologize

if i screw up massively
And want to be forgiven
Then I own up to it

I never just expect people to forgive me

And when people DO forgive me,
I still make an effort
To show them that I AM sorry
and that I do deserve to be forgiven.

Time will only tell
If I can forgive this time

I'll try to be patient,
But I'm not one for waiting

I want decisive answers
And I want honesty,
Even if it's not what I want to hear.

I may be as stubborn as a mule
But I know what I want
And what is right
What should and is supposed to happen.
And so, I wait.
I'll forgive you, one day,
Though it may not be that soon.

******

The text of this poem was taken from a conversation between me and a good friend; I turned it into a poem to protect their identity.

And if you know what this is about, kudos for that & thanks.

Anyway, later!
-Aly